inspired on the streets of aging (still in progress)

this is my street
this is my block, my hood
that's my bubble gum
house that sits on this
avenue of busyness and chaos
sleeping on the sidewalk of sirens and traffic
in the middle of the ghetto
surrounded by portraits
painted by faceless street artists
canvases of buiding sides, fences, signs

that house wreaks of memories
so thick i can smell them in my nostrils even now, miles away
the lovely fragrance causes my eyes to tear
those walls of lies and laughter and family gatherings
the christmases, easters, birthdays, no reasons

i am freaking out because of uncertainty and lack of direction


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
if you want to change society, then you must tell an alternative story.
- ivan illich

don't take my lack of conversation as lack of interest.
it is quite the opposite,
i am so captivated by your existence,
painting your table with salt,
that words evade my mouth.
a myriad of thoughts dance in my space,
but you scare me into silence,
for i am fragile and easily broken.
those moments of silence are not awkward,
but cherished that you would choose to share them with me.

restlessness anyone?

i have this restlessness dwelling inside of me and i can't seem to fulfill it. i feel like i am not where i am supposed to be...of course, i don't know where i am supposed to be so maybe that's just how i feel all the time, no matter where i go. like right now i feel like i should be some where else, but maybe when i get there i will feel like i should be somewhere else. never finding peace. people have told me that the reason i feel this way is my own doing, but why would i do that to myself? i don't know what's going on. i feel like i am supposed to be doing something other than what i am doing presently. but i can't figure out what that something is. annoying? yes. frustrating? hell yes. i keep trying to leave this place, but it seems like every time i try, it doesn't work out. i just don't want to waste my life, but that is what it feels like i am doing, and i don't know what to do about it.

blah

i have no words for the way i feel right now...but i can tell you that it is not good. i am so sick of these emotions. excuse, i would like to trade these in for some new ones. i think that i have had these for quite long enough...if not too long. ok, how about a refund then? no refunds? well, then.....................

sideways, crossways, or downways

i don't know what i am doing,
i don't know where i am,
what part am i to perform in your play?
i can't tell if i am sideways, crossways, or downways.
but i am here to serve and love
whoever, wherever, whenever.
my spirit gushes restlessness,
my soul wrestles purpose,
running in the pursuit of you.

i can't tell you how much i crave intimacy
with my lord
i seek him as one does a lover,
but he hides from my advances
playing hard to get

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort at:
Easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships-
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at:

Injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed:
For those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world; So that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

shouts fall (in progress)

i am beautiful.

did you hear that? i said,
i am beautiful.
your rejection has no bearing on me.
my lord, my savior whispers my worth
into my soul.
he reveals my identity:
beloved, child.
your shouts fall on a deaf heart.
you cannot break me.
you cannot ruin me.
you cannot destroy this beauty.

those things that lack

everything is hanging by a string, he is so close
to offering what he has held back.
but those words are risky, those words are
hazardous, saying those things that lack.
this situation is not familiar, not having been
in anything similar.
oh, to be real.
oh, to be honest.
what freedom comes with a dose of those two.
but insecurity is a daunting foe,
with whom he has an ongoing struggle.