tired

i struggle. and i struggle some more. it seems like life is a continuing struggle. sometimes it isn't a huge struggle, but it is still present. and other times it seems as though it is a huge struggle. why. why does it always have to be a struggle. i am tired. i am tired from struggling. i need rest. i need to be restored. i need to be healed. but i don't know how. i try to be obedient and not worry about the reasons for things, but some days. it is all i can do to not cry. but i don't want to be ungrateful. i am blessed. and i am thankful. but i want so much more. i want it all. i so long for what i dream of. but dreams seem to be just that, dreams. and they don't seem to have anything to do with reality. i don't know. i am just tired. i want life to be an adventure, not a struggle. i want it to be hard and rewarding. i guess i just have to be patient and wait for the reward. i might not see in this life time. set my heart on things above. it is about the process, not the destination. well, here i am in the process.

untitled

and there i stood
confused
wondering why
wondering what
what am i created for
what am i here for
with no answers in sight
only inquiries

and there i stood
not understanding
why
why do i only dream
why are dreams not reality
with no answers
only questions

and there i stood
puzzled
puzzled why life is chaotic
puzzled why no answers
puzzled why no rest
with no solution
only conundrums

a louder voice

while i was sitting in church yesterday singing praise songs to my creator, i was thinking that i need a bigger, louder voice. i wanted to sing as loud as i could...i don't know why exactly...maybe that way god will know just how much i want to praise him. maybe he will sense this love that i can't hardly contain sometimes. i guess i was thinking that the louder i sang, the more praise god would receive. now reflecting on those thoughts, i feel kinda silly. i don't think that god cares how loud i sing. i don't think that he cares if i sing at all. all he cares about is the state of my heart. but i think that my heart was in the right place. realizing that i can't sing loud enough, i can't praise god enough, i can't love god enough, that worship is more than singing.

no stereo

i love not having a stereo in my car because then i can think and meditate and sing out loud and contemplate and write. here is something i wrote today in the car:
i do not belong to any circle
i do not fit into a cliche
i do not have a niche
i wander from person to person
from group to group
not belonging anywhere
but my souls yearns for something
what, i don't know
i search and struggle
looking for answers, only having questions
...

what have i lost

you know it's funny. i am trying to be who i once was. i once was a child with no inhibitions about who i was. i was secure in being me. but that was torn from me by people who thought that making me into who they thought i should be made them feel good about themselves. i had to be like them. but now i struggle against that person. i fight to be free. i long to be in the days of my youth. for multiple reasons. and one of those is to be who i was back then. a person who wasn't afraid to speak up. a person who didn't care what people thought. a person who wasn't constrained by others expectations. but now i have become someone else. who i don't know. i am trying to figure that out. all i know is that i was happy then. and that was taken from me. and i feel remorse. because i don't know if i can get back there. i don't know if i can find my way. i thought that the person i was, was weird and strange and different and i was told that that wasn't ok. but now i realize that i long to be that. weird. strange. different. like i used to be. i mourn for my lost self. all i am left with is memories. i don't like who i have become. but i struggle to become a better man.
i struggle to be a better man
but i don't know how
i struggle to be free
but i am chained down
i struggle
i struggle
i struggle
i struggle against myself
be who you once were
free, wild, passionate, different
content, enough

orange plums

sometimes i wonder what the point is in all of this. i mean when i look around me, all i see is pain. people hurting. and that hurts me. i don't know why, but i hurt when people hurt. you say, 'well jesus is the answer' and i say 'maybe not.' where does it say that we won't hurt. where does it say that we won't have pain. i think it is something that we have lied to ourselves about. somewhere along the way, people said 'if i follow jesus, i won't have any real problems, and the problems that i do have, he will make it all better' and i say that that is total CRAP. jesus hurt, so why would we expect that we wouldn't. when did pain become a bad thing. maybe that is the only way that he can make us into the person that he wants. maybe it takes pain to make aaron into the best version that he can be. look at the song refiner's fire. it talks about burning away all the impurities in our lives. well, fire is hot and it burns. and that is painful. i don't know. i feel like i have been lied to. the church has too long candy coded the christian walk. following jesus is not easy. it is hard. good. that is the way it is supposed to be. he doesn't want half-hearted people to be his disciples. he wants us to be sold out. totally committed. through the good times and the bad. i feel like i was sold the idea that all i had to do was to pray this prayer. all i had to do was to ask for forgiveness, and that was it. but no. come to find out that that was just the beginning. that was the easiest part. a memory: if i don't pray and worship and spend time with god when things are bad, what makes me think that i will when things are good. why would i? things are good now. we must learn to be obedient with a little, then he will give us much more. thank you lord that you don't make it easy to follow you. i don't want it to be easy. that way you know that i love you, because i follow you even though it is hard and it hurts and i feel lost and confused. i know you are still there. walking, journeying, struggling alongside me.

you tell me

i need to not worry. i need to understand that god is in control. and he has my best interest at heart, even though i may not agree at the time. but i only get to see pieces, he sees the whole picture, so his perspective is better. mine is confined.
i am confined to see
in bits and pieces
a little here
a little there
every piece just enough
to take me to the next piece
never satisfied
never home
always searching
wondering
journeying
walking
yearing for more than
pieces

some lyrics that inspire me
some lyrics that speak to me
some lyrics to meditate on
some lyrics i can't sing loud enough
some lyrics it seems like i wrote

'and i need a language as large as
this longing inside' dc

'you must sense this love my soul barley contains
no lack of desire in this desert to worship,
i keep singing skyward
it just never rains' ebd

'take my life
lay it down
at the feet
of you
whose crowned'dc

'light up, light up,
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear
my voice
i'll be right beside you dear'sp

i guess i lost

well, i did it. i cut my hair. my beautiful, nappy, curly, stringy, greasy hair. it is all gone. i did the deed yesterday just before i went to lezli's grad party, and i have to say that man i feel a whole lot better. i love long hair, but short hair is bliss. it lasted about 8 months, not as long as last time, 2 years, but still a good amount of time. good-bye my locks.

games

we play hide and seek
you forever hiding
and i,
forever seeking
but you hide in spaces i cannot reach
in worlds i do not exist
in realities i cannot fathom
but i cannot give up the search
cannot give up hope
that one day
i will find you

so many things floating around...i started studying for the mcat. wow. i am so overwhelmed by how much information i need to retain, that my brain is seriously refusing to absorb. i guess i will just keep trying. it is may and the mcat is in august, so i have some time, but time will pass quicker than i want it to. is this really what i want? or this is just default because i can't think of what else to do with my existence? or am i doing it to please all those people that EXPECT me to become a doctor? or am i just scared? and where does God fit in, if at all? we continued to talk about relationships on tuesday, and this time we talked about our relationship with God. i shared a little about mine, but reflecting on what i said, all though real and honest, was not a good place to be. not having a concept of God really. i mean do i really know Him. not just about Him, but know Him. forget what i've read and heard. what have i experienced? i am so unsatisfied with my relationship, but i don't know how to make it better. read His word. ok, boring, but i will do it. pray. ok, i will do it even though it seems as though i am talking to myself, and i am sick of hearing myself talk about the same things over and over again. fellowship. ok, i sort of do that. i mean i go to church three days a week, but i don't have i guess what i would consider real fellowship with anyone. i know that might sound sad or even arrogant, but it is true. i feel like people don't want to know the real, dirty, ugly, sometimes shameful truth. people say we are not meant to make this journey alone, but then again, what good are people? can they help me with my relationship with God. honestly, i don't think so. they can tell me about theirs and maybe give me advice, but they can't really do anything.
alone i entered this world
and alone i will leave it
so then what is the point in having friends? or getting married? because you can't find out who you are without other people? well, guess what, i still don't know who i am. i don't want to be cynical. i don't want to be frustrated. i don't want to be so empty and void of hope. but i must possess some hope, otherwise why continue on the journey? i am lost and have been for so long, that i don't know how to get home, or even if there is a home.
another thing that bothers me sometimes, is that i don't really have my own identity. i share mine with two bothers. i mean what do i do that is soley mine? we all write, journal whatever. i share music with one. athletics with all. intellect with all. so what is mine? is there anything that is mine? i would like to know that i am one of a kind, but it does not seem that i am unique. at least, maybe not in the ways i would like to be. what can i call my own? my misery?

?

"If I'm not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?"