you know it's funny. i am trying to be who i once was. i once was a child with no inhibitions about who i was. i was secure in being me. but that was torn from me by people who thought that making me into who they thought i should be made them feel good about themselves. i had to be like them. but now i struggle against that person. i fight to be free. i long to be in the days of my youth. for multiple reasons. and one of those is to be who i was back then. a person who wasn't afraid to speak up. a person who didn't care what people thought. a person who wasn't constrained by others expectations. but now i have become someone else. who i don't know. i am trying to figure that out. all i know is that i was happy then. and that was taken from me. and i feel remorse. because i don't know if i can get back there. i don't know if i can find my way. i thought that the person i was, was weird and strange and different and i was told that that wasn't ok. but now i realize that i long to be that. weird. strange. different. like i used to be. i mourn for my lost self. all i am left with is memories. i don't like who i have become. but i struggle to become a better man.
i struggle to be a better man
but i don't know how
i struggle to be free
but i am chained down
i struggle
i struggle
i struggle
i struggle against myself
be who you once were
free, wild, passionate, different
content, enough
Thursday, May 26, 2005
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