history repeats itself again

ok, what the crack is going on? this is extremely bizarre...i had another dream about giselle last night. that is two in three nights. weird. i don't get dreams...and maybe they aren't to be gotten. maybe they are what they are....dreams. it is sort of frustrating though, because whenever i dream about giselle, they are so vivid and real...i can still remember what she was wearing, army skirt with a black top, and i can see her face so clearly when i wake. usually dreams come and go, sometimes i remember sometimes not. i wake in the morning and i try so hard to remember what i dreamt about, but with these, i try so hard to forget what i dreamt about. i am so confused and tired and frustrated and i don't know what to make of this mess.

history repeats itself

last night i had the weirdest dream, ok maybe not the weirdest, but definitely a weird one. it was another one about giselle, and this time it was about her, she just wasn't in it, but she was the focus, and we were back to our old routine....being soulmates and all that blues. again so vivid and real and crazy. i was sitting on the top of this ladder looking thing. she climbed up it and sat on my lap, chest to chest, and we just held each other. crazy stuff.

sitting, wishing, thinking

as i sit here in the basement of our kirkwood house, or should i say the project that never ends, i can't help but think about what the heck i am doing with myself? how am i spending my time? i have been out of college for over a year, but what have i done in that year? i have worked on this house for most of it, studied for and took the mcats for the second time, and worked at an ice cream factory....nothing too exciting. i thought there was more to life? is this it, because if it is, i want my money back. i didn't sign up for this mess. hmmm, yes....excuse me sir, but can i have a refund?

i fear that i have limited myself. i gave people permission to enter my head and now i don't know if that was the correct thing to do. i am conflicted. i want to share with people about what is going on, but then again i don't want to censor myself. last night i was having some thoughts, which i wanted to write down, but i don't think that it would be appropriate to share with an audience that is out there. yes, some of these thoughts involve these individuals, but i am more concerned about the feedback i will receive for my openness. maybe it doesn't matter, maybe nobody really reads my word vomit anyway. well, for now these thoughts will remain in my head.

Honestly, what is the friggin point?

Madness

i want to be mad
mad to love
mad to live
mad to desire
mad to find peace
mad to forgive
mad to listen
mad to learn
mad to imagine
mad to create

have heart, my dear

i don't even know what to write. i am so...so...numb, i guess is a good word. ok, maybe not good, but appropriate. i am so numb. numb to life. the days all run together. routine. i am, that's right, you guessed it, frustrated. i am friggin frustrated. but i can't give up the pursuit. i can't stop walking. baby steps. baby steps. keep moving. it is a journey. tell that to yourself. but what is the point? i don't get it. is there anything to get? maybe this is as good as it gets. words are inadequate to explain.....