mas poetry

broken, i am tired
used, i am tired
aches my body
cries my spirit
screams my soul
ruptures my heart
waisted away
beaten this life has made me
rest, i need
restoration, healing

again with the bambling

i have this ache inside of me...it feels like i am not doing what i am suppose to be doing. or maybe that's just life. pain. lose. confusion. frustration. all a part of life i guess. i don't know what to do with myself. i am losing my mind. i can't control these thoughts. i can't escape these images. is this the way it is suppose to be? i studied a little today. i went through and did some verbal reasoning exercises. it actually went pretty well. that is until i got to my parents house and turned on the tv. it is still on. i haven't studied since i got here. it is so stinkin hot. i am afraid to write down some of these thougths and emotion and feelings for fear that they might be dark and depressing and i am trying to stay away from those kind. it's like a constant battle in my head. i don't have a single clear moment. no clarity. always clouded. always fighting. i am tired. i need rest. from this life. i cry too much. sometimes i don't even know why. i just cry. hurt, but i don't know why i hurt. i don't know the source.

i am a beautiful creation
even if i don't think so
i was made for a reason
for a purpose
waiting to be fulfilled
---------------------

there is so much i keep to myself
wanting to share
waiting to share
but no one comes to listen
all alone in a crowd
i am haunted by inadequacies

I don't understand

I don't understand. I left her three messages yesterday, but still no word. I don't understand. Why won't she call me back? I don't know what else to do. I saw her on Friday. I just don't get it, and that frustrates me.
tossed about in the waves
i cling to my ship for safety
but the waves are too big
i find no consolation aboard this vessel
these waves could break it into pieces
tossed
back and forth
back and forth
how i wish i could find my way home
i am lost at sea in a huge f'n storm

sri lankan potluck

tonight, there was a potluck at curt and debbie's house for andy, stephen, and adam because they are leaving for sri lanka on sunday morning for three weeks. so some people got together to pray over them and for fellowship. on the way there danny, mike, and i stopped at michael's to see giselle. i think i was kind of mean to her. i didn't mean to be, i was just being honest. i said that her dad didn't leave messages when he called because it didn't matter if he did, she still wouldn't call him back. and i was ragging on her about calling him. she said that it's been too long. like her window is closed. she can no longer talk to her dad. but i don't think she understands how much craig misses her and loves her and wants to talk to her, to see that she is alright, that she is alive even. i don't understand why she won't call anyone back. i mean i know, or at least i should know, that she isn't going to call me back, but still when i leave her a message, i half think that she will. and it hurts. i guess i should just expect her not to call, and if she ever does, then i will be pleasantly surprised. i don't know why it hurts, it just does. i don't know. i dream about her all the frickin time though, and it is starting to get annoying. i mean it isn't like the dreams before. now, it's just like she is in my dreams. i shouldn't say that i dream about her. i should say that she is in my dreams. she makes appearances. but i still remember when i first started dreaming about her. waking in the morning smelling her in my nose, seeing her with my eyes, feeling her skin, knowing that she was made for me and i was made for her. that is a weird feeling to wake up to. i mean it would be a great feeling to have in reality. but when it is only a dream, it is weird. frustrating. i don't know what to do. keep pursuing i guess. it was good to see chris and curt and debbie and andy. i love those palmers. more than they know. beautiful people.
my dreams are tainted with your image
your touch
your smell
i long to talk to you
to hold you
to love you
but you hide from me
from everyone
why?

don't you see you are a beautiful creation
loved and forgiven and free
the only chains that bind you
are the ones you create
step into the light
where you are supposed to be
where you were created to be
you are lovely