so many things floating around...i started studying for the mcat. wow. i am so overwhelmed by how much information i need to retain, that my brain is seriously refusing to absorb. i guess i will just keep trying. it is may and the mcat is in august, so i have some time, but time will pass quicker than i want it to. is this really what i want? or this is just default because i can't think of what else to do with my existence? or am i doing it to please all those people that EXPECT me to become a doctor? or am i just scared? and where does God fit in, if at all? we continued to talk about relationships on tuesday, and this time we talked about our relationship with God. i shared a little about mine, but reflecting on what i said, all though real and honest, was not a good place to be. not having a concept of God really. i mean do i really know Him. not just about Him, but know Him. forget what i've read and heard. what have i experienced? i am so unsatisfied with my relationship, but i don't know how to make it better. read His word. ok, boring, but i will do it. pray. ok, i will do it even though it seems as though i am talking to myself, and i am sick of hearing myself talk about the same things over and over again. fellowship. ok, i sort of do that. i mean i go to church three days a week, but i don't have i guess what i would consider real fellowship with anyone. i know that might sound sad or even arrogant, but it is true. i feel like people don't want to know the real, dirty, ugly, sometimes shameful truth. people say we are not meant to make this journey alone, but then again, what good are people? can they help me with my relationship with God. honestly, i don't think so. they can tell me about theirs and maybe give me advice, but they can't really do anything.
alone i entered this world
and alone i will leave it
so then what is the point in having friends? or getting married? because you can't find out who you are without other people? well, guess what, i still don't know who i am. i don't want to be cynical. i don't want to be frustrated. i don't want to be so empty and void of hope. but i must possess some hope, otherwise why continue on the journey? i am lost and have been for so long, that i don't know how to get home, or even if there is a home.
another thing that bothers me sometimes, is that i don't really have my own identity. i share mine with two bothers. i mean what do i do that is soley mine? we all write, journal whatever. i share music with one. athletics with all. intellect with all. so what is mine? is there anything that is mine? i would like to know that i am one of a kind, but it does not seem that i am unique. at least, maybe not in the ways i would like to be. what can i call my own? my misery?