Process Update

so i thought i would let you all know the current status of my medical school journey. i just got rejected from wake forest and university of hawaii, but i have received secondaries from 12 schools, so i am working on those and hoping to get secondaries from the schools that i haven't heard from yet.

somehow

i'm stuck
i'm stuck in this
in-between place
and i find it so hard
to accept your grace

though i can't see
past now
i have to believe
in your best
somehow

ever have days when your world seems to crumble and all you can do is mourn and weep over a life never to be lived, a story never to be told, a journey never to unfold? f!#$, life hurts.

unimaginable

when i speak of you
confusion ensues.
my brain cannot comprehend
how to make rain.
you are the lark's song,
the mountain's majesty,
the ocean's power,
or the sunset's colors.
mere words cannot contain
such wonder.

are you from my dreams,
or from memories of dreams?
is that the realm of our union?
if so,
i wish to never wake.

a beginning

i look to you
to tell me who i am,
but then i realize
you can't validate me
as a man.
you cannot bestow
upon me identity
we have to look at this
honestly,
rationally.
yes, you are the object
of my desire,
but i can only return
after i have been tested
and refined in the fire.
i must take my leave
to explore on my own,
to wander the desert,
but don't worry,
i will come back
to take you home.

I had to re-post this

May God bless you with discomfort at:
Easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships-
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at:

Injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed:
For those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world; So that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Why do you want to become a doctor?

i was thinking, seeing how i have a brain and all, the other day about medical school, nursing school, and changing the world. the number one reason people say they want to be a doctor, is because they want to help people, and make a difference, but after they graduate from medical school, they are so in debt, that mostly all give up on their dream of helping people and making a difference because they have to get a job and pay off their immense student loans. so instead of following their passion, and love, and dream, they settle for the almighty dollar. now it's easy for me to criticize, because i am not in their position, nor do i really know what it's like to be in their position, but i believe that that is what i call selling out. and on one hand, it scares me, because i could potentially be in their position one day, and i wonder if i will continue to follow my dreams, or if i'll sell out. and on the other hand, it frustrates me, because i wonder if people are really sincere about their reasons for going to medical school, or if they just say what they need to say to get in, and the whole time all they are worried about is the money. because you would think that if all these people want to change the world, then the world would be getting better, rather than, as i see it, getting worse. it frustrates me, scares me, and excites me for the challenge ahead.

if everyone wants to change this world
then why is still so screwed up
if anyone would try to change this world
they must manifest love

That makes sense

I was reading the Barbarian Way the other day and these thoughts came to me:
'the reason i feel so out of place,
is because i am out of place.
i am in a kingdom
that is not my own,
a town
that is not my home,
so in this world
i will never belong.'

My Desire

Lord, my desire
Is that I would
Fade from view
So that all people
Can see is You.
Father, my longing
Is that I would
Fade from view
So that You alone
Can shine through.

kind of morbid

can anyone see the art in me
i try my hardest to freely put it on display
with no admission fee
everyone come and see for free

but i stand on the stage alone
no one comes to see the show
i am an audience of one
attempting to voice my groans

no rsvps, no replies
just silence as the curtain draws
a close and my soul bitterly dies
to the absence of applause

a mosaic of words

the words won't pour forth
they lie and await the dawn
just like they always seem to
pretty perfect pictures
jumbled, scattered,
and romanticized
among the memories
that float beside me
searching for the point

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
- Marilyn Monroe

culture shock or culture sick

i don't know how to explain it, really, but there is this undercurrent in america. when i was in romania, or when i was in ghana, i didn't feel it. there was always time, and i wasn't always tired and uneasy. and i hardly slept while i was away. in fact, i didn't have a good night sleep the whole time i was in ghana, i never slept more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. it seems like other countries don't have this "weight". and i felt it as soon as i touched ground in america, and i could feel its release as soon as we left. i hate it, because i don't sleep, my mind is constantly going, and i feel stressed and uneasy and strapped for time. i long for the simplicity of ignorance. i wish i didn't know any better. or actually, while we are wishing for things, i wish america didn't have this undercurrent. because it affects me in the deepest of places. my relationship with my heavenly father suffers, as does my relationship with myself, and my relationships with others. or maybe it's just me, or that is god's way of telling me that i don't belong here. he is calling me elsewhere.

who knows

my love
oh, my love
you are so close
i can feel your breathe
upon the nape of my neck
as we lie
in bed
i am not sure
of what you dream
but i hope
that it is
of the days
when we fell
in love

I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm.
- James Thurber

Quote

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
- PJ O'Rourke

thanks rach

i would like to take these words and thank rachell for introducing me to hope....she is amazing....so.....so....exquisite

a song in the works

my dear friend
you deserve better
than a song
written to your end
you deserve more love
than what you've been shown
i wish i could give you
a better place
to call your home
if only you could see
the way i dream
how i picture
you beside me
but life didn't work out
the way we thought it would
it didn't even come close
to what it should
so i regretfully
have to tell you
that this is all
i have to say
so i offer
all i can
everything i give you
with the strumming
of my hands

peering out the window

the grass outside invites me
invites me to lay down
in the warmth the sun creates
on its chest
to rest my head
on the ground
and rest my soul
in the rays

the breeze sings me to sleep
with its light whisper of eternity
eternally dreaming
of the rain that won't last until spring
the season carried off to the yonder
of my wonder
and where are the flowers
the pinks, and blues, and reds, and yellows
so yellow that only my dreams
can contain such vibrant
brilliant, radiant
streams of color