reoccurring themes

i am so restless, but restless doesn't even begin to describe it. it is so much more...anxious, eager, nervous, hungry, impatient, thirsty, excited...but i don't know what i am anxious over. what am i eager about? what am i hungry for? why am i impatient? it is like i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing. but what am i supposed to be doing? i don't know either. i am a loss for words. reading over the description that i just wrote doesn't seem to capture the whole picture. i can't put words to this. it is too ginormous for words. words are an inadequate medium. i don't know where i am going. i just seem to be walking in a direction that appears arbitrary, but the problem is that i don't believe in arbitrariness, look i made a new word. i don't believe in chance or luck or whatever label you want to put on it. i don't believe it exists. i believe that my Father is in everything. i don't believe that He doesn't control every aspect of my life. why would He pick and choose what aspects of my life He wants to influence? why wouldn't He be in them all? i guess i want to believe that He loves me that much that He wouldn't leave any part of my life to chance.
some beginning thoughts:
i walk along a path
arbitrarily deliberate
...

i journey on a trail
seemingly arbitrary,
but what is arbitrary?
...