i see myself, in the present, as a stranger treking around in a broken world, mostly just taking up breathing room. i see myself to be, or i want to be a person who is at peace with themselves...i guess that would basically be it...i probably could go into more detail, but that is what it boils down to.

how do i reconcile who i want to be with who i am...because i am not who i want to be?

it seems like no days are my days...it seems like everyday i say to myself that this just isn't my day...what the fuzz?

sthguoht emos

so i am involved in this project called 'have2give1', and we were discussing what it looks like to follow jesus, taking his words and living them out. what does it mean to follow the 'jesus way.' one thing we came up with is contentment. now, one may assume that it means to be content with what one has..that is possessions, like your car or house or clothes...but i would take it a step further and say that it is contentment with myself. now bare with me, but if i am content with myself then that gives me freedom. that frees me from the snares of this world. when i see an advertisement, i take it as, "buy this and you will be complete, you will be enough", but if i am content with myself then i don't buy into that logic and that frees me from the rules of this world. that allows me to love myself and have a proper view of myself...because without a proper view of oneself, i think that one cannot have a proper view of god, and if your view of god is skewed, then i think that then your relationship will be off, aswell. the things that the world values, or uses as it scale to measure value does not apply to me. i am free. my possessions and income have no bearing on my value or identity. being content with who god made me, flaws and all. i am beautiful and valuable because i am a child of the god of the universe, which is the same king that stepped down from his thrown in order to rescue me...to save me...to purchase me. so i think that this step is key in following jesus because as i stated before, if you aren't content with yourself, then why would you be content with god? my view of god is distorted by my view of myself. think better about myself and my relationship with christ will improve. i am frustrated with you lord, is that because i am frustrated with myself?

and now for some prose:
i cannot sing a hymn,
or write a verse.
i cannot paint a portrait,
or sculpt a masterpiece.
i cannot compose a symphony,
or play an instrument.
but i am beautiful.
but i am beautiful.
and my father loves me.

today is just not my day

i want to love myself
i want to accept who i am
who i was made to be
but i see so many flaws
wanting in so many areas
mistakes in craftmanship, sometimes i think
alas, i was made with these lacking for a reason
love yourself, for who am i to question god's design?

quote of my life

"my lord god, i have no idea where i am going. i do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end, nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think that i am following your will does not mean that i am actually doing so. but i believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you." thomas merton

some inspiring words from bono

"and though it aches,
and your heart it breaks,
walk on..."

call it what you will

you can call me crazy if you like, i don't care, but i checked my mcat scores again today just to make sure that it wasn't a dream the first time, because it honestly feels that way. i don't feel like it is real. but anyway, the scores were the same as the first time i checked...33Q. WOW! thank you Father for loving me...i am so undeserving.

talk about a shock

wow, i checked to see if my mcat scores came in today... i just had a feeling that i should check... and to my surprise, there they were staring at me in the face from the computer screen. i didn't believe what i saw because it was too good to be true. plus, throughout this whole process, i told myself that i was going to get a 33, even after the test was over i kept telling myself that i got a 33, an 11 on each of the three sections, but i honestly felt terrible about the test. i felt like i did worse then the first time. on test day, things just didn't go well. the guy next to me was a huge distraction, reading out loud and all, and the desks weren't the best. but after i turned it in, i told myself that i got a 33. so when i logged in to my account this afternoon and saw that i got a 33, an 11 on each of the three sections, i was blown away to say the least. it was so surreal...it still feels like it isn't real. i am amazed. WOW!

a simple thought

his love is unrelenting
it never quits
all other saviors are tragically blemished
tainted with inadequacies
but not YHWH
he is constant
loving now, loving always
his love never ends
it is vast enough to cover my shame
my Protector
my Rescuer

blah

i feel so unmotivated uninspired

a work in progress

i'm tired from these battles that rage in my head
the storm never clears
constant motion, never calm
the lighting and thunder constantly pouring out their rage
raging so loud thoughts cannot surface
struggle to breathe
rest evades me
cannot find peace

unbreakable?

have you ever seen the movie unbreakable? it is just that i constantly feel like i don't fit...i am so restless and never at peace within myself. in that movie bruce willis' character seems to have the same kind of life, that is until he figures out what he is supposed to be doing. his life is a mess until he starts doing what he was meant to do, and then everything just flows...life works. i feel like maybe my life is a mess because i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing...but what exactly is that? what am i meant to do? and if i figure that out and start doing it will i finally be at peace with myself...will life finally work...no more inner battles...just peace....how nice it would be to have peace within my soul

history repeats itself again

ok, what the crack is going on? this is extremely bizarre...i had another dream about giselle last night. that is two in three nights. weird. i don't get dreams...and maybe they aren't to be gotten. maybe they are what they are....dreams. it is sort of frustrating though, because whenever i dream about giselle, they are so vivid and real...i can still remember what she was wearing, army skirt with a black top, and i can see her face so clearly when i wake. usually dreams come and go, sometimes i remember sometimes not. i wake in the morning and i try so hard to remember what i dreamt about, but with these, i try so hard to forget what i dreamt about. i am so confused and tired and frustrated and i don't know what to make of this mess.

history repeats itself

last night i had the weirdest dream, ok maybe not the weirdest, but definitely a weird one. it was another one about giselle, and this time it was about her, she just wasn't in it, but she was the focus, and we were back to our old routine....being soulmates and all that blues. again so vivid and real and crazy. i was sitting on the top of this ladder looking thing. she climbed up it and sat on my lap, chest to chest, and we just held each other. crazy stuff.

sitting, wishing, thinking

as i sit here in the basement of our kirkwood house, or should i say the project that never ends, i can't help but think about what the heck i am doing with myself? how am i spending my time? i have been out of college for over a year, but what have i done in that year? i have worked on this house for most of it, studied for and took the mcats for the second time, and worked at an ice cream factory....nothing too exciting. i thought there was more to life? is this it, because if it is, i want my money back. i didn't sign up for this mess. hmmm, yes....excuse me sir, but can i have a refund?

i fear that i have limited myself. i gave people permission to enter my head and now i don't know if that was the correct thing to do. i am conflicted. i want to share with people about what is going on, but then again i don't want to censor myself. last night i was having some thoughts, which i wanted to write down, but i don't think that it would be appropriate to share with an audience that is out there. yes, some of these thoughts involve these individuals, but i am more concerned about the feedback i will receive for my openness. maybe it doesn't matter, maybe nobody really reads my word vomit anyway. well, for now these thoughts will remain in my head.

Honestly, what is the friggin point?

Madness

i want to be mad
mad to love
mad to live
mad to desire
mad to find peace
mad to forgive
mad to listen
mad to learn
mad to imagine
mad to create