marching towards insanity

i seriously think that i am going insane. no joke. i feel like this isn't reality. that i am in a movie or a dream. yeah, it's like a dream like state, only it is dream land mixed with some screwed reality. i don't know, but i am losing my friggin mind. i sent my cv into two places yesterday. a job up in san fran at ucsf in the department of surgery. i think that i would be working with lab rats, but that is ok with me. i don't mind. the other one is at the parkinson's institute in sunnyvale. that one doesn't seem so exciting to me. it is like data entry and scripted phone interviews and setting up interviews, whatever, it's a job. i seriously am going to go crazy. danny came over today and we watched two movies and played some pool. we watched second thoughts...it's a movie about three friends that go to an uninhabited island somewhere in indonesia and stay for 4 weeks. they go to surf. they bring rice and noodles and chickens and a goat. it seems like it would be pretty gnarly, but at the same time friggin awesome. they had the sweetest waves all to themselves. the waves were so beautiful. picturesque. the other movie was primer. it was a movie about two guys that inadvertantly invent a time machine. it is a pretty crazy movie. it was interesting. i am bored out of my mind. this house is sucking my will to live. i didn't go to college group because i just didn't want to drive all the way there and then all the way back. and i was really only going to go for one reason, which isn't the best reason to go to church, but that is besides the point. i think that i suck at writing music and songs. i try, but it just doesn't seem to work. i don't know. some people say that i have musical talent, but i don't think so. i just want to cease to be restless and tormented and tortured. i want peace and quiet. to relax, truly relax. my mind goes a million miles an hour and doesn't stop. al these thoughts and emotions and feelings and dreams and hopes and questions, yes definitely questions. got lots of those. anybody got any answers.