the ramblings of insanity

i applied to whole foods market on bascom and the one in los gatos. i guess i will just have to wait. i hate waiting, like tom petty said, "waiting is the hardest part." but that is what i have ahead of me, so i will just have to do it i guess. went to andy p's birthday party yesterday. he is turning 21 tomorrow. i love the way letters look. there are some interesting people that came to his party. it was fun. i don't get to see the palmer's enough these days. of course, i don't remember a time when i ever got my fill of them. but such is life, i guess. not getting your fill of anything. not anything worth while anyway. i have my fill of sitting around, at least for right now i do. i am bored out of my mind. i just want to move on. especially from this house. this morning when i woke up for church, i could feel the house telling me to stay in bed and not go because it's a long drive and gas is so expensive, etc, etc. and i listened, to my shame. i should have went to church. even if it is only for the people. but then again, what is the use of people. i had a good time yesterday talking to some of andy's friends, especially the cute one's, but what is the use? for what purpose? did i contribute any value to their lives? did they contribute any value to mine? what there anything else exchanges besides words? if not, then what is the friggin point? again, i say that i am losing my mind. literally. i wonder, too often maybe, what it would be like to just be totally isolated from people. just live on my own. eat and drink and read and play and write and whatever else there is. i hate the fact that i can't give words to my real emotions. i can't say what is really on my mind, because i don't know how and that is so very frustrating. i can't take my words and make a picture. i wish i could because then maybe i could look at them and see clearer what the heck they form. maybe i would have a glimpse of understanding. maybe i would have insight, even if it was slight. i got to see shannon yesterday, that was good. i do miss her. but then again.............................