thoughts on the road

i don't know why i am writing. i just feel the need i guess to communicate my thoughts with someone and since there isn't anyone here to listen, i must resort to "paper." i drove up to see andy palmer last night because he turned 21 today, the 25th of april. it was an interesting drive. i borrowed amber's radio, since mine doesn't work, but i didn't know that my dad move my cd's into the back, so the only cd i could listen to the whole 2 plus hours was the yellowcard underdog ep, which don't get me wrong is a good album, but it only has five songs on it and i listened to it 3 times during my ride. i talked alot out loud while i was driving. it was interesting to converse when there isn't anyone really there. i mean i know God was listening and all, but there wasn't a physical body present. it was unusual, but good. i like it. it was good to just talk and ramble and not care what came out of my mouth and not care if anybody was listening because it didn't matter. that was nice. i don't remember all of what was said last night while i was driving, but i do remember that it wasn't anything new. it was all the same old stuff that continues to float around in my head and plague me. not knowing what to do with myself. not knowing what my purpose or passion or desire is. what am i doing on this planet? about feeling alone and lost in the dark with no hope of light. walking around in circles aimlessly, knowing i have visited that place before, but yet not knowing any other path. not knowing any other routine. not knowing any other way in which to progress. but it isn't actually progression though if you don't go anywhere, and i feel like i am not getting anywhere. i don't feel like i am growing as a person, and if you aren't growing, then you are standing still, and if you are standing still, then you are bored and just taking up space, so you need to move, act, jump, do something, anything. but then again maybe that is my problem i won't just sit there and really examine myself. i feel this need to have motion in order to distract from the fact that i am void and empty and missing some essential part of myself. so maybe i am supposed to hurry up and stand still. don't just do something, stand there. sit quietly, contemplate, sit still. but that is hard for me to do. i have a hard time just sitting there not doing anything. being still and not thinking. i don't know if it is a physical ailment, or if i am just not comfortable sitting there, still, alone. but i am fine to be alone, by myself. i have no qualms about that. but sitting there, still, alone is a different story. that is a little tougher. and then i was thinking to myself that i knew that i wasn't going to get in to med school on my own because my scores and grades weren't good enough. the only way i was going to get in was if God got me in. but then i was thinking last night that God does it all. i can't do squat on my own. like God will handle this one, like He doesn't handle all of them. so that was interesting to think about. maybe i need to realize that He is in control and i am not, not even part of the time. not even when i think i am. not ever. it is all Him. He may let me think that it is me, but no, it's Him. Enough.