randomassness

i called giselle tonight to see what she was up to after work. she said she had plans. i shot and i missed. at least i called her to see. i was so close to just going to her work again. spontaneous. but i did call her at work. oh well, i guess. i tried. what else can i do? i watched before sunrise and before sunset tonight. emily brought them over and shannon and megan came over too. mike and i watched them with the girls. i have to say that i really like the movies. they were so not what i was used to. which is a good thing. a very good thing. i mean they weren't sad or depressing. or anything in that matter, but they were so open-ended. which i think is a very good thing. at first when the movies ended, i was sort of mad because nobody told me what happened. it didn't end like american movies usually do. happily ever after. the whole story told. no room for the imagination. these movies were awesome. after it ended, and after those initial feelings of robbery left, i was actually really happy that they didn't give me their ending. i was able to give them my ending. there was some extremely good dialogue in the movies. some of it was like i was saying it. being cynical and skeptical. is there really someone that i have to be with. like only one person that i can be totally happy with. if i can even be totally happy. is that possible? i don't know. there was so much passion and honesty and i love it. it just gave me starting points and i went from there. like they would suggest a situation and i would think of that situation in my life. like what it looked like when i experienced it. what i felt. what i thought. how much i hurt. the pain. agony. bitterness. longing. like the dream part of the movie, when ethan hawke talks about dreaming about the girl, julie delpy...i could totally relate to that scenario. waking in the morning with the feeling that i knew who i was supposed to be with. waking to missing someone, like i had just been with them. i had just held them in my arms and felt their skin on my skin. i knew what her skin felt like, but i hadn't touched her in years. weird. bizarre. smelling her in my nostrils when i wake. sadness crashing over me because it wasn't real. julie delpy's character talks about just being. not really being sad or happy or bored, just taking up space. existing. getting by. eecking through. i love poetry. beauty. art. speech. accents. words. language. i love it all.