all i can say

Lord I'm tired, so tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark is creeping in, creeping up to swallow me
I think I'll stop and rest here a while

And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember where you sat it down

And this is all that I can say right now, I know it's not much
And this is all that I can give, that's my everything.

-david crowder

Ani is coming

Ani DiFranco is playing at the Fillmore on April the 8th. O how I wish I had money.

Losing Hope

i am lost
in this abyss
of darkness

the more i struggle
the more i try to fight
the further
the dimmer
seems the hope of light

I misplaced my lenses

In my search for understanding, I have come to realize that I am a spoiled child. Yet, despite all my complaining and pouting and whining and crying, my Father still paints a new sunset everyday for my eyes to behold. . .I am humbled

February 5, 2008

Aaron Klein
15725 Oakridge Ct
Morgan Hill, CA 95037

Dear Mr. Klein:

The Committee on Admissions has completed the review of your application for entrance to the first year class that will begin its studies at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in August, 2008.

Due to the growing number of highly qualified candidates, we regret to inform you that we are unable to further consider your application for admission.

We thank you for having considered Einstein as a school at which you might like to complete your medical studies. We wish you success in your future endeavors and with the achievement of your career and personal goals.

Very Truly Yours,

Noreen Kerrigan, M.P.A.
Assistant Dean for Student Admissions

Sometimes the limits of my skin get me down. I want to break free of the boundaries that it places on me...that I place on me....

Importance of perspective

An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered.
- GK Chesterton

Car Crash

Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars
-matt nathanson

i got rejection notices from creighton medical school and uc irvine medical school.

Cheers!!

Here's to checking under your house to make sure the rain water isn't draining under it and finding a lake...to staring in disbelief, freaking out, trying to figure out what to do, and frantically looking for a bucket to bail out the water from underneath your house...to realizing the bucket thing isn't working and grabbing a hose in order to siphon water and mud out from under your house, which comes with mouth-fulls of mud...standing in 6-8 inches of mud while trying to bail out standing water...worrying that your house may slide down the hill...digging trenches in the pouring rain, in order to divert the water away from your house...trying to salvage all your stuff that is in the middle of that lake...here's to never doing any of this again! Cheers!

i am aaron's itchy beard

i am aaron's itchy beard
overgrown and unkept
flourishing in times of distress
hiding his sunken,
sorrow-filled face
taking over his life
that is a mess

i am soon to be gone
he says he wants a fresh start
apparently he has laid to rest
and asked for healing
for the wounds
that reside in his heart

saved

and if this ground gives way
i just hope that you'll catch me
-spill canvas

i just want to crawl into a f---ing cave...
can i catch a break?
can i shake
this shadow that hovers
i just want to crawl into a f'in cave
and pull over my head, the covers.

more news

i got denied from albany medical college. i guess i shouldn't feel too bad though, of the 9,000 who applied, 8,870 will be denied. oh, and the classes i need to take at de anza college to get into a master's of nursing program are full. and the hits just keep on coming.

i mourn
for the man
that i could be
and, i mourn
for the man
that i am.
memories and broken promises
shattered across
that hurt so bad.
i mourn for the
story never told
the journey never to unfold

i don't want to hurt anymore

i am done...

i have nothing positive to say...

fuck this place...

i don't want to play anymore...

i've

i've died another time
i've already sung
i've already fucked this up
i've lost my mind

ani

fuck this time and place
-ani difranco

rocky

i saw rocky votolato on sunday night at bottom of the hill in san francisco. wow, it was a fabulous show. the other two bands were phenomenal as well, slender means and jesse sykes and the sweet hereafter. i love live music

Must See

if you haven't already, you have to watch the walmart movie:the high cost of low prices. it's on youtube in 11 parts.

more disappointment

i got denied from rosalind franklin and medical college of wisconsin

I am stuck in this dark
The more I try to move
The more it seems I lose
My way

UC Davis

I was just denied by uc davis. it seems harder and harder as of late to find the motivation just to get out of bed. i guess heartache is the price you pay when you believe in your dreams....

This is my reality

Rejection from George Washington University found its way into my mailbox and into my consciousness

Wedding dress song

So could you love this bastard child
Though I don’t trust you to provide
With one hand in a pot of gold
And with the other in your side

Cause I am so easily satisfied
By the call of lovers so less wild
That I would take a little cash
Over your very flesh and blood

-Derek Webb

guess i was wrong

i always thought the point of education was to give the teacher the answer they wanted. who knew it was actually supposed to be about learning. "Education's purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one."
- Malcolm Forbes

why

why is it that healing is always so painful and difficult?

I do

Don't you wish there were a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work.
- Gallagher

all i want to do is believe

it's too hard to sit by
wishing, hoping, wanting to be more
i must find the courage to walk through the door
but my body is torn in two
bruised and broken and black and blue
the one part content to do nothing
the other caged in a prison of clothing
stitched with mental thread

Don't speak

your female parts
capture me,
seem to speak to my heart.
please don't try to converse
or speak any verbs,
all i need to hear
happens without
any sounds
uttered or heard.
i know this all
may sound
a little more
than absurd,
but so much more
can be said
without words.

shine

i love it when the stars are so bright that you can't help but look up and smile. . . because it is so exquisite a sight to behold. . . i feel so blessed to have eyes to see

West Virginia doesn't want me either, but I got a secondary from Oregon Health and Science.

Process Update

so i thought i would let you all know the current status of my medical school journey. i just got rejected from wake forest and university of hawaii, but i have received secondaries from 12 schools, so i am working on those and hoping to get secondaries from the schools that i haven't heard from yet.

somehow

i'm stuck
i'm stuck in this
in-between place
and i find it so hard
to accept your grace

though i can't see
past now
i have to believe
in your best
somehow

ever have days when your world seems to crumble and all you can do is mourn and weep over a life never to be lived, a story never to be told, a journey never to unfold? f!#$, life hurts.

unimaginable

when i speak of you
confusion ensues.
my brain cannot comprehend
how to make rain.
you are the lark's song,
the mountain's majesty,
the ocean's power,
or the sunset's colors.
mere words cannot contain
such wonder.

are you from my dreams,
or from memories of dreams?
is that the realm of our union?
if so,
i wish to never wake.

a beginning

i look to you
to tell me who i am,
but then i realize
you can't validate me
as a man.
you cannot bestow
upon me identity
we have to look at this
honestly,
rationally.
yes, you are the object
of my desire,
but i can only return
after i have been tested
and refined in the fire.
i must take my leave
to explore on my own,
to wander the desert,
but don't worry,
i will come back
to take you home.

I had to re-post this

May God bless you with discomfort at:
Easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships-
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at:

Injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed:
For those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world; So that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Why do you want to become a doctor?

i was thinking, seeing how i have a brain and all, the other day about medical school, nursing school, and changing the world. the number one reason people say they want to be a doctor, is because they want to help people, and make a difference, but after they graduate from medical school, they are so in debt, that mostly all give up on their dream of helping people and making a difference because they have to get a job and pay off their immense student loans. so instead of following their passion, and love, and dream, they settle for the almighty dollar. now it's easy for me to criticize, because i am not in their position, nor do i really know what it's like to be in their position, but i believe that that is what i call selling out. and on one hand, it scares me, because i could potentially be in their position one day, and i wonder if i will continue to follow my dreams, or if i'll sell out. and on the other hand, it frustrates me, because i wonder if people are really sincere about their reasons for going to medical school, or if they just say what they need to say to get in, and the whole time all they are worried about is the money. because you would think that if all these people want to change the world, then the world would be getting better, rather than, as i see it, getting worse. it frustrates me, scares me, and excites me for the challenge ahead.

if everyone wants to change this world
then why is still so screwed up
if anyone would try to change this world
they must manifest love

That makes sense

I was reading the Barbarian Way the other day and these thoughts came to me:
'the reason i feel so out of place,
is because i am out of place.
i am in a kingdom
that is not my own,
a town
that is not my home,
so in this world
i will never belong.'

My Desire

Lord, my desire
Is that I would
Fade from view
So that all people
Can see is You.
Father, my longing
Is that I would
Fade from view
So that You alone
Can shine through.

kind of morbid

can anyone see the art in me
i try my hardest to freely put it on display
with no admission fee
everyone come and see for free

but i stand on the stage alone
no one comes to see the show
i am an audience of one
attempting to voice my groans

no rsvps, no replies
just silence as the curtain draws
a close and my soul bitterly dies
to the absence of applause

a mosaic of words

the words won't pour forth
they lie and await the dawn
just like they always seem to
pretty perfect pictures
jumbled, scattered,
and romanticized
among the memories
that float beside me
searching for the point

Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul.
- Marilyn Monroe

culture shock or culture sick

i don't know how to explain it, really, but there is this undercurrent in america. when i was in romania, or when i was in ghana, i didn't feel it. there was always time, and i wasn't always tired and uneasy. and i hardly slept while i was away. in fact, i didn't have a good night sleep the whole time i was in ghana, i never slept more than 3 or 4 hours at a time. it seems like other countries don't have this "weight". and i felt it as soon as i touched ground in america, and i could feel its release as soon as we left. i hate it, because i don't sleep, my mind is constantly going, and i feel stressed and uneasy and strapped for time. i long for the simplicity of ignorance. i wish i didn't know any better. or actually, while we are wishing for things, i wish america didn't have this undercurrent. because it affects me in the deepest of places. my relationship with my heavenly father suffers, as does my relationship with myself, and my relationships with others. or maybe it's just me, or that is god's way of telling me that i don't belong here. he is calling me elsewhere.

who knows

my love
oh, my love
you are so close
i can feel your breathe
upon the nape of my neck
as we lie
in bed
i am not sure
of what you dream
but i hope
that it is
of the days
when we fell
in love

I loathe the expression "What makes him tick." It is the American mind, looking for simple and singular solution, that uses the foolish expression. A person not only ticks, he also chimes and strikes the hour, falls and breaks and has to be put together again, and sometimes stops like an electric clock in a thunderstorm.
- James Thurber

Quote

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
- PJ O'Rourke

thanks rach

i would like to take these words and thank rachell for introducing me to hope....she is amazing....so.....so....exquisite

a song in the works

my dear friend
you deserve better
than a song
written to your end
you deserve more love
than what you've been shown
i wish i could give you
a better place
to call your home
if only you could see
the way i dream
how i picture
you beside me
but life didn't work out
the way we thought it would
it didn't even come close
to what it should
so i regretfully
have to tell you
that this is all
i have to say
so i offer
all i can
everything i give you
with the strumming
of my hands

peering out the window

the grass outside invites me
invites me to lay down
in the warmth the sun creates
on its chest
to rest my head
on the ground
and rest my soul
in the rays

the breeze sings me to sleep
with its light whisper of eternity
eternally dreaming
of the rain that won't last until spring
the season carried off to the yonder
of my wonder
and where are the flowers
the pinks, and blues, and reds, and yellows
so yellow that only my dreams
can contain such vibrant
brilliant, radiant
streams of color

sometimes the truth hurts

"the overwhelming desire for profit. it's asounding. ignore the environment. ignore human rights. it was the illogicality of it that i couldn't get my head around."
-isabel losada, a beginner's guide to changing the world

i am so infuriated, ashamed, sad, enraged, tearful, despondent about this race we call humans. i am reading the above mentioned text, and i don't know if i can take the truth and reality of this world...it is so sad to see the neglect, the greediness, the lack of compassion on the parts of our brothers and sisters that inhabit this planet with us. changing this world seems so out of my reach, so unattainable, but lord please break me so that my heart aches as yours does towards your lovelys'.....i so long for people to love each other, to see each other as equals, to rage at the injustices that plague mankind. lord, give me strength.

sNOW! gLORIOUS sNOW!

it was snowing when i woke up this morning at 7 am and it hasn't stopped and it is now past 7 pm, that is over 12 hours of snow. . .it is simply marvelous. . .more than two feet of snow has dropped in the past 12 hours. . .tomorrow is fitting to be a good day.

Ephesians 5:11-17

11-16Don't waste your time on useless work, mere busywork, the barren pursuits of darkness. Expose these things for the sham they are. It's a scandal when people waste their lives on things they must do in the darkness where no one will see. Rip the cover off those frauds and see how attractive they look in the light of Christ.

Wake up from your sleep,
Climb out of your coffins;
Christ will show you the light!
So watch your step. Use your head. Make the most of every chance you get. These are desperate times!

17Don't live carelessly, unthinkingly. Make sure you understand what the Master wants.

-tHE mESSAGE

Danse Russe

if i when my wife is sleeping
and the baby and kathleen
are sleeping
and the sun is a flame white-disc
in silken mists
above shining trees,-
if i in my north room
dance naked, grotesquely
before my mirror
waving my shirt round my head
and singing softly to myself:
"i am lonely, lonely.
i was born to be lonely,
i am best so!"
if i admire my arms, my face,
my shoulders, flanks, buttocks
against the yellow drawn shades,-

who shall say i am not
the happy genuis of my household?

-william carlos williams

Me Either

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

ok ladies you can choose to love me now

notice how i said 'choose to love me' and not 'fall in love with me' because i believe that love is a choice, and we don't fall in love, we choose to love. . .so let the choosing to love begin. . .because i, aaron klein, just wrote a song. that's right i am a song writer. ha, i am so gitty with joy that i am dancing. . .with no one watching of course.

What's that white stuff

IT'S SNOWING!!!!! PRAISE BE TO MY HEAVENLY FATHER!!!!

i love the snow
when it falls down
making everything
white and pure
catching the joy
on my tongue
as i stand
in the cold
warmed by the
fire raging
in my soul
stirred by
such a gift

ode to my faceless love

are you out there my love?
my heart speaks as though,
but my head pounds as not.
and since i don't speak heart,
but do head,
the latter seems
to dominate the former.
our lives have yet to intersect,
or at least,
i was early, or
you are late,
or our times got jumbled,
our dates mismatched.


i miss you my love
the air seems colder
without your touch,
the colors a little greyer
without you here.
i dreamed last night
and when i woke,
i swore i could feel your warmth.
but when i reached for you,
all i felt was your absence.
please, don't be long my love,
for soon i will be gone,
once again dust.

cycled

imagine circular time...
life already lived
several times over.
every word spoke,
breathe breathed,
thought thunk.
doomed to be repeated
for eternity.

i hate computers

i know this is ironic or hypocritical, but i F@#$ING HATE computers. they are a plague upon the human race, a disease of mankind. i am so frustrated right now that i want to break things and cry and curse and scream. i can't remember the last time i was filled with such rage.

i may be losing my mind

it is hard to exist in a world of fragmentation that seems to conform to a normalcy that i do not possess. it is hard to put into words, but just say that the last few days have been the loneliest i have ever experienced, but i wasn't alone in the perspective of physical bodies. it is just that i seem to exist on a different plane of existence than anyone and anything else. my mind seems to be slipping away. i don't seem to fit/go/belong anywhere, just bouncing from one incongruent space to another. comparable to dreaming where i am watching the world pass by, but knowing that consciousness is coming soon. i am so far away. no one to get me or understand me, just blank stares of confusion. how lonely it is to exist in a reality all your own.

It's cold outside

oh, yesterday
i thought i
washed all of your
memories away
but that radio played
the song we kissed
the first night
was full of bliss
i saw you today
standing in the street
all your thoughts
brought back the heat
how i miss
the way you prayed
it made me feel
like this world could change

powerfully musical

i don't know what it is
my feet start bouncing,
body strikes into convulsion,
head flails about,
lips mouth the words
that i've heard so many times before.
there must be power in this noise.

romance me

i went snowboarding at boreal yesterday with some friends, and as i was standing upon the mountain, the sun was setting to slumber, and the colors that emanated across the sky were joyful. i had to stop and take in the joy for my own. it was marvelous. i love how my lord romances me.

i am the painter of songs
and the singer of silhoulettes
the breather of life
and the romancer of hearts
the healer of wounds
and the giver of dreams
i am divinity and eternity
i am beyond boxes
and beyond these words

Dr. Seuss' brilliance

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, And that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
- Dr. Seuss

drowning

i dream exspansively
of great love
and changing
my world, this world.
but i am left with shadows
dark and cold and empty.
i am drowning in my dreams.

he wishes for the cloths of heaven

Had I the heavens' embroidered cloths,
Enwrought with golden and silver light,
The blue and the dim and the dark cloths
Of night and light and the half-light,
I would spread the cloths under your feet:
But I, being poor, have only my dreams;
I have spread my dreams under your feet;
Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
- William Butler Yeats

breathe

forgive my evasive eloquence
i had an idea of what i wanted to say
but they all scattered when you answered
my heart quickened
my palms sweated
my head pounded
so loud i couldn't articulate
my inadequate words
they fled, rushed out and disappeared
i wish i had a river, i could skate away on
i wish i had a cloud, i could float away on

i can't stand to watch you walk away
your faced turned makes it hard to hear the words you say
muscles on my face form a smile,
hiding the tears i cry on the inside.
i wish that you would just sit down and stay for a while.

i don't want to watch you walk away
your head turned, it's hard to notice the things you say
how did we end up this way
won't you just please stay

i finally found a job

i got a job at gap. . .who would have ever guessed that i would be working at the gap. isn't that weird. i go for orientation tomorrow.

thoughts in editing

this paradym has got to shift
from sex, drugs and rock n roll
to a new drift
of things that sustain the soul
seek love, joy, and peace for a lift

day i got back

here is something that came to me as i was driving on the day i got back from ghana:

comin home seems like a dream to me
i've got to hold on to these memories
steppin off the plane felt fake
like i never really left this place
maybe i slept and imagined it
but at the same time home doesn't seem real in the least bit
two different worlds the one i left
and the one i came home to
maybe it's me the change happened to

?women?

i am completely and irrevocably confused/frustrated/dumbfounded/insert any other synonyms with girls. they are so mysterious, which i like. i mean mystery is a good thing. our god is super mysterious, but at the same time, i am wholy at loss for what to do. i just don't understand.

college is a huge waiste of time. i have said it before and i will say it again. i have a college degree, but yet i can't get a job, so why did i waiste all that time sitting in classrooms?

something i read today

there is a crack, a crack in everything.
that's how the light gets in.
-leonard cohen

Inadequate words

i want to describe what my experience in ghana was like. to paint a picture of sorts, but words seem so inadequate. i can't seem to describe it. to share stories doesn't seem to work because they only work with the images that i have been given. even the healing that occured in my own soul cannot be captured with words. . .it so transcends words. d

Something from old

you and i collide
we meet where the pink hue meets the dark mass
where the orange globe floats on the wet blue liquid
where the grass bends to the mighty melodious song

What's taken me so long

i apologize for my lack of posts as of late. i have been busy lately cleaning out my old room. i am moving to rocklin, and my little sister is moving into my old room, so i am in the process of cleaning. who knew i had so much stuff? anyway, more to come soon.

I'm still in Ghana

so i have tried and tried and i have failed and failed. i can't get the pixs to upload to my blog. the connection keeps timing out, so i guess you will have to wait to see the pixs. oh well. but i can still share stories. so today is sunday and the matron of the hospital invited me to go to church with her. she goes to a pentacostal church, now mind you i have never been to a pentacostal church, but i had i images in mind. it was. . .good and fun and awkward and embarrassing. . .if you ever come to ghana and decide to go to church just know that any church you go to you will have to stand up in front of the congregation and introduce yourself, so just be ready, you have been warned. i had to introduce myself the first time i went to church in ghana, which is another story altogether, and i had to introduce myself this morning. this time wasn't so bad, there were only about thirty people there, but still anybody who knows me, knows that i do not do well in front of large groups of people, especially when they are complete strangers and we hardly speak the same language. anyways, i did as i was told and told them the basic info: name, where i am staying in ghana, where i am from, and what church i attend at home. the music and dancing part of the service was awesome to see. of course, i couldn't understand the words, but it was still an awesome sight and sound to behold. when the service was over, people were shaking my hands because i was new. and then this little girl, who couldn't have been more than two or three, came over and without saying a word grabbed my left pinky and just stood there beside me. it was the most peculiar thing. i looked at her and smiled and asked her name, but she didn't respond. either she didn't speak english, or she just wanted to hold my finger and not talk. she was the cutest kid i have ever seen, and i wanted to keep her for my own. even when i went to leave, she followed, tightly clenched to my little finger, but then someone came and took her, i assume her parent or sibling. i didn't have my camera, otherwise i would have surely taken pictures of her.
i got some roommates today. some CHOs, community health officers, came for the week to observe the nurse stations that nkwanta has set up in the villages to break the distance barrier between the villages and the hospital. so this week hopefully won't be so lonely. so that is my update for now.

This is my first time in Africa

I arrived at Kotoka International Airport at about 7 pm on Thursday evening. It took forever to go through the check in process. It wasn't even customs...i just walked through customs, but before you get to customs, you have to check in, and that took forever. My driver picked up outside and we headed for my home for the next two days. I booked a room at Crystal Hostel, but I was taken to somebody else's house because there wasn't room for me at the hostel. So we arrived, and I went to bed. It had been a long journey from San Francisco. The next day I went to town with a guy that I was staying with. We went to see the Supreme Court, and this memorial park for Ghana's first president after they gained independence. Accra, that's the name of the city, was CROWDED. I mean people everywhere. And the traffic was like I have never seen. It takes forever AND a day to get anywhere.

A Test

i was just testing to see if i could upload pictures to my blog. these are from our yosemite trip 2006. we went over father's day weekend. it was fan-flippin-tastic.

AFRICA

I am going to AFRICA!!!! Ghana to be exact. Wild ride this life. I am so excited and in a dream like state.

inspired by a stranger

i know we are strangers
meeting just this night
but i hope that more than physicality
would pass through this embrace
know that my heart breaks with yours
my tears are spilt with yours
my spirit is wounded alongside yours
find comfort in company

How arrogant of me to think that I can justify Christ's sacrifice!

faceless ghost

On my way to Rocklin yesterday to see my good friend Andy, I was struck by something, and I had to pull off the freeway to write it down. I share it with you now,

I am emotionally unstable.
I am not willing or even possibly able
To take this step you are asking me to take,
To bear this cross,
To break where you are asking me to break.
How can I help those
Love those
Forgive those
Who need it
Who require it
Who deserve it,
When i cannot
Love myself
Help myself
Or forgive myself
When I need it?

I am just trying to love this man that I am,
To make him the best that he can
Be,
Loving the most,
Hearing the most,
Helping the most,
Understanding the most,
Forgiving the most,
Healing the most,
All the while on this crazy journey
To bring glory and honor to the Heavenly host.
So when I am laid to rest,
Remember me only as a faceless ghost.

I hate being socially retarded/relationally inept.

wow. today was a really hard day. i almost lost it a couple of times. i suck........sometimes.

not finished yet

wasted space with,
dying dreams
that consist of,
worthless words

inspired on the streets of aging (still in progress)

this is my street
this is my block, my hood
that's my bubble gum
house that sits on this
avenue of busyness and chaos
sleeping on the sidewalk of sirens and traffic
in the middle of the ghetto
surrounded by portraits
painted by faceless street artists
canvases of buiding sides, fences, signs

that house wreaks of memories
so thick i can smell them in my nostrils even now, miles away
the lovely fragrance causes my eyes to tear
those walls of lies and laughter and family gatherings
the christmases, easters, birthdays, no reasons

i am freaking out because of uncertainty and lack of direction


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
if you want to change society, then you must tell an alternative story.
- ivan illich

don't take my lack of conversation as lack of interest.
it is quite the opposite,
i am so captivated by your existence,
painting your table with salt,
that words evade my mouth.
a myriad of thoughts dance in my space,
but you scare me into silence,
for i am fragile and easily broken.
those moments of silence are not awkward,
but cherished that you would choose to share them with me.

restlessness anyone?

i have this restlessness dwelling inside of me and i can't seem to fulfill it. i feel like i am not where i am supposed to be...of course, i don't know where i am supposed to be so maybe that's just how i feel all the time, no matter where i go. like right now i feel like i should be some where else, but maybe when i get there i will feel like i should be somewhere else. never finding peace. people have told me that the reason i feel this way is my own doing, but why would i do that to myself? i don't know what's going on. i feel like i am supposed to be doing something other than what i am doing presently. but i can't figure out what that something is. annoying? yes. frustrating? hell yes. i keep trying to leave this place, but it seems like every time i try, it doesn't work out. i just don't want to waste my life, but that is what it feels like i am doing, and i don't know what to do about it.

blah

i have no words for the way i feel right now...but i can tell you that it is not good. i am so sick of these emotions. excuse, i would like to trade these in for some new ones. i think that i have had these for quite long enough...if not too long. ok, how about a refund then? no refunds? well, then.....................

sideways, crossways, or downways

i don't know what i am doing,
i don't know where i am,
what part am i to perform in your play?
i can't tell if i am sideways, crossways, or downways.
but i am here to serve and love
whoever, wherever, whenever.
my spirit gushes restlessness,
my soul wrestles purpose,
running in the pursuit of you.

i can't tell you how much i crave intimacy
with my lord
i seek him as one does a lover,
but he hides from my advances
playing hard to get

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort at:
Easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships-
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at:

Injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed:
For those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world; So that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

shouts fall (in progress)

i am beautiful.

did you hear that? i said,
i am beautiful.
your rejection has no bearing on me.
my lord, my savior whispers my worth
into my soul.
he reveals my identity:
beloved, child.
your shouts fall on a deaf heart.
you cannot break me.
you cannot ruin me.
you cannot destroy this beauty.

those things that lack

everything is hanging by a string, he is so close
to offering what he has held back.
but those words are risky, those words are
hazardous, saying those things that lack.
this situation is not familiar, not having been
in anything similar.
oh, to be real.
oh, to be honest.
what freedom comes with a dose of those two.
but insecurity is a daunting foe,
with whom he has an ongoing struggle.