cries of a broken spirit

i have no profound thoughts, or incredible insights, just a longing to communicate with anyone / everyone. as the days pass, it should seem to get better, the old saying goes "time heals all wounds," and yet time seems to be against me. my enemy. it seems to be getting worse. maybe it has to get worse before it will get better? i have not heard a word from whole food markets or the other two jobs which i applied for, which i have to declare is awfully painful and disheartening. they seemed, even if just for a moment, to be a step toward a journey out of the desert. but now, sitting here, it look as if the desert is my home. i have been here so long, i don't remember what it is like to be not of the desert. "do not follow the path, go instead where there is no path and blaze a trail."

untitled

i saw a man today/ no shirt/ no food/ dirt covered from head to toe/ but he was richer than i/ for he wore a smile/ knowing he was only pass'n thru

thoughts on the road

i don't know why i am writing. i just feel the need i guess to communicate my thoughts with someone and since there isn't anyone here to listen, i must resort to "paper." i drove up to see andy palmer last night because he turned 21 today, the 25th of april. it was an interesting drive. i borrowed amber's radio, since mine doesn't work, but i didn't know that my dad move my cd's into the back, so the only cd i could listen to the whole 2 plus hours was the yellowcard underdog ep, which don't get me wrong is a good album, but it only has five songs on it and i listened to it 3 times during my ride. i talked alot out loud while i was driving. it was interesting to converse when there isn't anyone really there. i mean i know God was listening and all, but there wasn't a physical body present. it was unusual, but good. i like it. it was good to just talk and ramble and not care what came out of my mouth and not care if anybody was listening because it didn't matter. that was nice. i don't remember all of what was said last night while i was driving, but i do remember that it wasn't anything new. it was all the same old stuff that continues to float around in my head and plague me. not knowing what to do with myself. not knowing what my purpose or passion or desire is. what am i doing on this planet? about feeling alone and lost in the dark with no hope of light. walking around in circles aimlessly, knowing i have visited that place before, but yet not knowing any other path. not knowing any other routine. not knowing any other way in which to progress. but it isn't actually progression though if you don't go anywhere, and i feel like i am not getting anywhere. i don't feel like i am growing as a person, and if you aren't growing, then you are standing still, and if you are standing still, then you are bored and just taking up space, so you need to move, act, jump, do something, anything. but then again maybe that is my problem i won't just sit there and really examine myself. i feel this need to have motion in order to distract from the fact that i am void and empty and missing some essential part of myself. so maybe i am supposed to hurry up and stand still. don't just do something, stand there. sit quietly, contemplate, sit still. but that is hard for me to do. i have a hard time just sitting there not doing anything. being still and not thinking. i don't know if it is a physical ailment, or if i am just not comfortable sitting there, still, alone. but i am fine to be alone, by myself. i have no qualms about that. but sitting there, still, alone is a different story. that is a little tougher. and then i was thinking to myself that i knew that i wasn't going to get in to med school on my own because my scores and grades weren't good enough. the only way i was going to get in was if God got me in. but then i was thinking last night that God does it all. i can't do squat on my own. like God will handle this one, like He doesn't handle all of them. so that was interesting to think about. maybe i need to realize that He is in control and i am not, not even part of the time. not even when i think i am. not ever. it is all Him. He may let me think that it is me, but no, it's Him. Enough.

the ramblings of insanity

i applied to whole foods market on bascom and the one in los gatos. i guess i will just have to wait. i hate waiting, like tom petty said, "waiting is the hardest part." but that is what i have ahead of me, so i will just have to do it i guess. went to andy p's birthday party yesterday. he is turning 21 tomorrow. i love the way letters look. there are some interesting people that came to his party. it was fun. i don't get to see the palmer's enough these days. of course, i don't remember a time when i ever got my fill of them. but such is life, i guess. not getting your fill of anything. not anything worth while anyway. i have my fill of sitting around, at least for right now i do. i am bored out of my mind. i just want to move on. especially from this house. this morning when i woke up for church, i could feel the house telling me to stay in bed and not go because it's a long drive and gas is so expensive, etc, etc. and i listened, to my shame. i should have went to church. even if it is only for the people. but then again, what is the use of people. i had a good time yesterday talking to some of andy's friends, especially the cute one's, but what is the use? for what purpose? did i contribute any value to their lives? did they contribute any value to mine? what there anything else exchanges besides words? if not, then what is the friggin point? again, i say that i am losing my mind. literally. i wonder, too often maybe, what it would be like to just be totally isolated from people. just live on my own. eat and drink and read and play and write and whatever else there is. i hate the fact that i can't give words to my real emotions. i can't say what is really on my mind, because i don't know how and that is so very frustrating. i can't take my words and make a picture. i wish i could because then maybe i could look at them and see clearer what the heck they form. maybe i would have a glimpse of understanding. maybe i would have insight, even if it was slight. i got to see shannon yesterday, that was good. i do miss her. but then again.............................

marching towards insanity

i seriously think that i am going insane. no joke. i feel like this isn't reality. that i am in a movie or a dream. yeah, it's like a dream like state, only it is dream land mixed with some screwed reality. i don't know, but i am losing my friggin mind. i sent my cv into two places yesterday. a job up in san fran at ucsf in the department of surgery. i think that i would be working with lab rats, but that is ok with me. i don't mind. the other one is at the parkinson's institute in sunnyvale. that one doesn't seem so exciting to me. it is like data entry and scripted phone interviews and setting up interviews, whatever, it's a job. i seriously am going to go crazy. danny came over today and we watched two movies and played some pool. we watched second thoughts...it's a movie about three friends that go to an uninhabited island somewhere in indonesia and stay for 4 weeks. they go to surf. they bring rice and noodles and chickens and a goat. it seems like it would be pretty gnarly, but at the same time friggin awesome. they had the sweetest waves all to themselves. the waves were so beautiful. picturesque. the other movie was primer. it was a movie about two guys that inadvertantly invent a time machine. it is a pretty crazy movie. it was interesting. i am bored out of my mind. this house is sucking my will to live. i didn't go to college group because i just didn't want to drive all the way there and then all the way back. and i was really only going to go for one reason, which isn't the best reason to go to church, but that is besides the point. i think that i suck at writing music and songs. i try, but it just doesn't seem to work. i don't know. some people say that i have musical talent, but i don't think so. i just want to cease to be restless and tormented and tortured. i want peace and quiet. to relax, truly relax. my mind goes a million miles an hour and doesn't stop. al these thoughts and emotions and feelings and dreams and hopes and questions, yes definitely questions. got lots of those. anybody got any answers.

Dinner out

so i finally asked her out. she is so beautiful. it is beyond words. every time i see her... anyways, i think it went ok. i couldn't tell if she was enjoying herself or not. although with her i think she would have said something if she wasn't. it was awkward at times, but then it's supposed to be, right? then we went to see a band play. they rocked. i wish i was in a band, it just looks like so much fun. a real kick in the pants. well, that was all i wanted to say. actually, all i really wanted to say, was that i went out with her, even if it wasn't a "date," if it was just two friends having dinner together and nothing more, then that is fine too. which i think it was. i couldn't really tell what it was, or what she was thinking. i just hope she enjoyed my company. although i don't know why she would be interested in an unattractive, non-talented, weirdo who doesn't really have a future, with no job and still lives with his parents? it is beyond me. but seriously, i feel unattractive every day. couldn't i have like a day where i think that i am good looking, even if it is only semi good looking. i would like to look at myself in the mirror and think that i am attractive today. i guess it all starts in the brain. i have to think that i do, and then i will? or, just not care what the $#%& i look like.

i went snowboarding today for about 3 hours. it was pretty good. i am not one to complain, but i thought it would be better. we just had three days of nonstop snow. so i imagined that today would be the day to go snowboarding. the sun came out. the scenery was amazing, but the snow was just okay. but thank you lord for the opportunity to snowboard and just to enjoy your artistry. it's wonderful. a white, winter, wonderland.

Miniver Cheevy

Miniver Cheevy, child of scorn,
Grew lean while he assailed the seasons
He wept that he was ever born,
And he had reasons.

Miniver loved the days of old
When swords were bright and steeds were prancing;
The vision of a warrior bold
Would send him dancing.

Miniver sighed for what was not,
And dreamed, and rested from his labors;
He dreamed of Thebes and Camelot,
And Priam's neighbors.

Miniver mourned the ripe renown
That made so many a name so fragrant;
He mourned Romance, now on the town,
And Art, a vagrant.

Miniver loved the Medici,
Albeit he had never seen one;
He would have sinned incessantly
Could he have been one.

Miniver cursed the commonplace
And eyed a khaki suit with loathing:
He missed the medieval grace
Of iron clothing.

Miniver scorned the gold he sought,
But sore annoyed was he without it;
Miniver thought, and thought, and thought,
And thought about it.

Miniver Cheevy, born too late,
Scratched his head and kept on thinking;
Miniver coughed, and called it fate,
And kept on drinking.

-- Edwin Arlington Robinson

long lost friend

i bought my airline tickets today. i guess it is real. driving down friday with john, and then flying home tuesday. pretty exciting. i haven't seen john in like a year. maybe even longer than that. here i come la.

another day at k-wood

eating lunch at kirkwood. soup and sandwich. this is my winter wonderland, if only i could enjoy it, instead of having to work all the time. will this project ever be finished? soon, i hope. i wouldn't mind it as much if everything didn't take so much effort. immense effort to do anything and everything. brush my teeth, cook, do the dishes, go to the bathroom, shower(when i get to), sleep. if i could work and then go home, i would probably love it, but living where you work is not ideal. so dirty all the time, and so frickin cold all the time. some warmer weather would help. "imagine the stories we'll have to tell." who cares about the stories?

thank you peter; thank you thomas

thank you peter and thomas. peter for denying, and thomas for doubting. you give me hope. if you saw the messiah and still you denied and doubted, then that gives me hope. for i deny and i doubt, but i have not seen the lord. we are all just fallen humans trying not to fall off of the tight rope. help me with my balance lord.
"everything inside of me, looks like everything i hate"

what future

happy st. patty's day!!!! i am so frustrated i just want to cry. and it's my fault. i caused it. i shouldn't have built kirkwood. it screwed up any chance i had at a job. how can i get a job with no experience? i should have done the internship, and not worked that summer at kirkwood. oh well, i guess, you live and learn.

new beginnings

shannon, andrea, nate, and kevin were baptized on saturday at seabright beach in santa cruz. it was a pretty neat thing to witness. they seemed excited about it, despite the fact that they had to go in the ocean in march, which i can imagine was pretty cold. a bunch of us went to witness the occasion, family and friends alike. todd baptized nate and kevin, and kristen did the honors of baptizing shannon and andrea. what a special moment in their lives to have in their memory. i hope they smile every time the memory rises to the surface. a memory that i was thinking of yesterday that brought a smile to my face because it made me feel special i guess is the word, was when cecilia bought a book she already owned just as an excuse to bring it to me so she could see me. that was pretty awesome. i must say i was and still am more than flattered. thanks c.

destination unknown

what the @$%& am i suppose to do with my life. i got rejected from every allopathic medical school that i applied to. so now what? go back to school? go back to school for what? to get my masters degree, which means absolutely squat in biology? or go back to school in order to raise my undergrad gpa? take the mcat again? i don't know if i can stand that again. try to apply to osteopathic medical school? pick a different career path? ok, which one? what do i want to do? i have no clue. go into construction? maybe, but not if i have to go and live somewhere and build. it's too hard to have a life that way. get a job in biotech? i don't know if i can. i don't have any experience outside of the classroom. i have a ton inside. i am so confused and frustrated and lost. moment by moment obedience. it's not about the destination, but the journey. it is a process. don't worry about the end, just the means.

a change in address

i guess i am moving in with my brother and his roommate. it was finalized today. he needs to save money on rent, and i need to move out of my parents house. hopefully it works out. i say that because he is not the cleanest person. i am not either, but i think that i tend to be cleaner then he.

insomnia

so i had insomnia last night. i hate that, when i can't sleep. it's not only annoying trying to sleep and you can't, but i find that it frustrates me because then i lie in bed just thinking. and when i am left alone with my thoughts, it is not usually a good thing. i just turn over in my mind all the bad things. how the college i went to was a mistake, how sacrificing so much for one project has been a mistake, how i failed to get into med school, how i have no idea what to do with myself, how i have no idea what i am passionate about, etc. ect.. and plus i am sick, so being sick and not being able to sleep is just as frustrating. when i finally went to sleep, she showed up again in my dreams. in fact, she was in my dream last night and the night before. i don't understand why i dream about her all the time. well, i should say all the time, but as frequently as i do. although, this time the "mood" of out meeting was very different. in the previous encounters, the scene was different, but the story was the same. she and i would be in a mutual location and it would be like we were soul mates. even though i hadn't seen her in a long time. she would show up and it would be as though we were made for each other. as simple as that. no games. no hiding. no dancing. it was real. honest. true. and it was wonderful. but now that is gone. last night, she and i were in the same location, but this time it was very awkward. before it was never awkward. before, it was always like we both knew we were equals. but this time i was nervous to approach and she was slow to respond. it seemed almost too life like. she would avoid me and i would then be hesitant to converse. i don't know what dreams are supposed to tell you, if anything. maybe they are something to be deciphered, and then again maybe they are just dreams. pictures to go with our imaginations blueprints.

no title

i don't know your name
but i love you
i don't know your needs
but i give to you
i don't know your pain
but i pray for you

paradise lost

i read yesterday, that there are three things true of this world. the world is good, the world is fallen, and the world will be redeemed. and the author related that to anything in life. i am good, i am fallen, i am redeemed. ok, but that still doesn't answer my question of how do i relate to an invisible, infinite being? how do i share my life with a being that doesn't directly talk back. he talks through people and creation, but then i have to discern when he is talking through them and when they are just talking on their own. it's too much. why can't i talk to him voice to voice? i don't have to see him, or touch him, but it would be nice to have an actual conversation with him. but that will never happen, so while i am still on this earth, how do i communicate with such a being?

another greeting card holiday

i hate this day. it is the most depressing day. and i am not saying that just because i don't have a date. i think that i would hate this day even if i had a date because it is just a day contrived by the flower and candy and card companies to make money. it is flippin ridiculous. another day to feel not good enough.

no more practice

it seems as though you are always preparing for something...practicing so to speak. but my question is, when do we get to stop practicing and start playing/jamming/improvising. all i know is that i am tired of practicing.