more poetry

with u, i want 2 walk
along these mysterious meadows
between this reality and my dreams
between that reality and your dreams
wherever they meet.
we can hold hands and talk
2 souls destined to b 1.
the image of happiness
torments my psyche.
pictures jumbled,
pieces missing,
where is the glue?

thoughts of no value

i hurt from a place inside
not sure really
an undescribable ache
not knowing from what
or for what
a sensation that haunts
that i am alone in a world full of people
that i am alone in a community full of friends
that i am alone in a universe full of God's spirit

time is wasted on dreams and hopes
because reality is all too real
soaked in disappointment
drenched with sorrow
unescapable violence
undescribable aching

randomassness

i called giselle tonight to see what she was up to after work. she said she had plans. i shot and i missed. at least i called her to see. i was so close to just going to her work again. spontaneous. but i did call her at work. oh well, i guess. i tried. what else can i do? i watched before sunrise and before sunset tonight. emily brought them over and shannon and megan came over too. mike and i watched them with the girls. i have to say that i really like the movies. they were so not what i was used to. which is a good thing. a very good thing. i mean they weren't sad or depressing. or anything in that matter, but they were so open-ended. which i think is a very good thing. at first when the movies ended, i was sort of mad because nobody told me what happened. it didn't end like american movies usually do. happily ever after. the whole story told. no room for the imagination. these movies were awesome. after it ended, and after those initial feelings of robbery left, i was actually really happy that they didn't give me their ending. i was able to give them my ending. there was some extremely good dialogue in the movies. some of it was like i was saying it. being cynical and skeptical. is there really someone that i have to be with. like only one person that i can be totally happy with. if i can even be totally happy. is that possible? i don't know. there was so much passion and honesty and i love it. it just gave me starting points and i went from there. like they would suggest a situation and i would think of that situation in my life. like what it looked like when i experienced it. what i felt. what i thought. how much i hurt. the pain. agony. bitterness. longing. like the dream part of the movie, when ethan hawke talks about dreaming about the girl, julie delpy...i could totally relate to that scenario. waking in the morning with the feeling that i knew who i was supposed to be with. waking to missing someone, like i had just been with them. i had just held them in my arms and felt their skin on my skin. i knew what her skin felt like, but i hadn't touched her in years. weird. bizarre. smelling her in my nostrils when i wake. sadness crashing over me because it wasn't real. julie delpy's character talks about just being. not really being sad or happy or bored, just taking up space. existing. getting by. eecking through. i love poetry. beauty. art. speech. accents. words. language. i love it all.

congratulations

i went to my friends college graduation this weekend. it is amazing to think that i have been out of college for a year already. insane. what have i accomplished in a year, you ask? well, not a hole heck of a lot. applied to and got rejected from med school. worked some more on building a house in the sierra mountains. been depressed and sad and alone. over the last year i have been as low as i have ever been. the loneliest. the saddest. the darkest. stranded in the desert.
i have been to the desert
roamed and journeyed the desert
made the desert my home
the misery was too real
the pain was too familiar
the darkness was too comforting
but yet i was uneasy
not a destination, just a fire
a tool used to refine me
to teach me
to make me struggle
to make me grow
to stretch me
please lord, bring me into the promised land
i am tired of the desert
not my timing
but your perfect alignment

WWD(writing while driving)

here i stand
upon this mountain
where i used to play
but i have forgotten
become too big
yeah,i've lost my way

Awesome words

I had to share this quote. It couldn't have been said better. Johnny Cash is amazing with words.

"There never was any dividing line between Johnny Cash the Christian and plain old Johnny Cash."

Well said Johnny. Well said indeed.

can you hear me?

can you hear me? do you see me? do you feel what i can't contain in this body of mine?
i love you lord
and i can't express it enough
i can't yell it enough
i can't scream it enough
i don't know how to express it enough
and yet
i can't feel your presence
i can't touch your face
i can't smell your breath
i can't hear your voice
where are you
standing beside me?
i want so bad to touch you
to know that you are real
to hear your voice
for you to hold me
to know that i am not alone

have you ever

have you ever felt alone in a crowd of people? i remember listening to the alan jackson song about 9/11 when he says, "in a crowded room, did you feel alone?" and not really knowing what he was talking about. not really having a concept. until last night that is. last night i had that feeling. i felt alone in a room full of people. and it wasn't like it was a room full of strangers or anything like that. it was full of people i know, but i felt like i was in a world of my own. like i was a ghost. like i was there in the room, but nobody noticed. it was a weird feeling. it felt like i was totally isolated from these people. i felt like i don't belong. i don't fit. i don't know. maybe it has no validity. maybe it has total validity. maybe i don't belong. i don't fit.

things that i thought would never come to pass

i saw giselle today. do you believe it? i don't. there she was all beautiful. i have to write this down now because after this i don't want to think about her anymore...for reasons that i have, anyway. it is friday, and i don't work on friday's. i am suppose to be studying, but i didn't want to study and they say that you should live life like an adventure, so i thought i would go and try to see giselle at work. she works at michael's in the frame department. anyway, so i left around 11 i think, and it took me about 40 minutes to get up there. and i went in the store to see if she was there. there wasn't any one in the frame department, so i asked a lady that worked there if giselle was working, and she said that she wouldn't be in until 4, so then i contemplated if i should just go home, or if i should go to the palmer's. i thought that i am in the neighborhood, so i should at least go say hi to the palmer's. so i went to their house and debbie was home, so i went in and had lunch with debbie, and then curt came home for lunch and i got to talk to curt. then i watched the french open, and then chris came home and he had lunch. he made me a second sandwich. and we watched the french open. nadal beat federer. then we watched dr. phil. this one lady lost 400 pounds. yeah, 400 pounds. then gina came over and we watched dancing with the stars. it's where celebrities pair up with a professional dancer and they do dances. it was pretty funny to watch. then after that i went back to michael's because it was about 5, so i thought that giselle should be in. by the way, it was so hard to go into that store. i couldn't believe that i was doing it. it was like it wasn't even me. it was like i was watching myself. like a movie almost. anyway, i went in, back to the frame department, but no one was there. so i almost left, but then i heard her voice, so i walked around a bit and found her in the one of the aisles. she looked amazing. she didn't recognize me, but that's ok, i guess. it's been a years since the last time i saw her. anyway, we talked for like an hour or so about whatever, anything and everything. it was so good to see her. she lives in castro valley with her mom, and she works at michael's. she still paints and does the artist thing. and then i came home and had dinner with ron over at sonoma chicken. which was pretty good. anyway, kristen and craig and the boys showed up, with another guy mike. anyways, i don't know why, but i mentioned it to ron, but not to kristen or craig. i don't know why i didn't say anything. i guess it just felt like it wasn't an appropriate time. i honestly don't know. it was weird. i feel like i should have told them. it was the a good opportunity. kristen and craig were both there. i don't know. i can't explain it. but i wanted to say that i went to see her and i saw her and i talked to her and now i don't want to think about her anymore. i just want to wait and see where it goes, if anywhere. even though as i sit here and type, she is all i can think about. when will i see her again? if i could it would be tomorrow. but i don't want all of this crap. i don't want to think about her. it's not good for me. be gone from my thoughts.
almost like my dreams
you were meant for me
almost like my dreams
my heart can hardly beat
almost like my dreams

here i stand
upon this mountaintop
naked to the world
i bare my sin
my dirty, ugly, filthy naked soul
i have been beaten
i have been laughed at
scoffed, scorned, humiliated
hurt, bruised, crushed
but i am not defeated
i am not dead
i have been restored
i have been redeemed
washed clean of my dirt and ugliness and filth
my sin forgiven
but here i stand naked
i stand with my soul bared
honest, real, true
so laugh, scoff, scorn
for i know who i am
my identity does not depend on you
my identity does not depend on me
my identity comes from he who created me
i am love
i am forgiven
i am his child

false advertising

people say that i wouldn't be here if i wasn't meant to be. i wouldn't be doing this if i wasn't meant to. i wouldn't have married this person if it wasn't what god wanted. but what about marriages that don't work? what about people who get divorced? what about people who hate their jobs? what about all the bad things that happen? god wants all those bad things to happen? what about those people that never get married? does god really want them to be alone? i don't think so. god said that it wasn't good for the man to be alone. well, some people are. what about that? so how can i believe that everything will work out? will it really work out for the best? or is that just something that we tell ourselves? are we lieing to ourselves? am i deceiving myself? what if i'm not suppose to be where i am? what if i made a wrong turn, thinking that god was leading, but i just got confused and now i am here, not anywhere near where i was suppose to end up...how could i be where i am suppose to be? does such a place even exist? i am meant to be...blah, blah, blah...i am not meant for anything. i am where i am, and that's that. don't read too much into it. there isn't anything there to read into. i think that we deceive ourselves into thinking that there is something to read into because that makes us feel secure. like we are where we are suppose to be. we aren't way off course or whatever. we lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel better about where we are. i mean is there even a thing as a soul mate? is someone else really meant for me? or do two people just do the best they can. i just find a girl that i get along with, am attracted to, have things in common with and then we just work at it. there isn't any thing special, we just decide to make it work. i wasn't meant for her and she wasn't meant for me, we just choose to love one another and there isn't any more to it than that. i should stop looking for the right person, because she doesn't exist. i just have to find a girl that i get along with, am attracted to, and share common interests and beliefs. that's all. or am i lieing to myself now?

OD or MD

which to choose? OD? or is it MD? does it even really matter? do you ever get tired or thinking? i do. sometimes i wish i could just sit in silence. silent from noise outside my head and inside my head. i want so badly to just be. i don't want to think about these things anymore. i am done. I am done with you! Be gone! Away from me!

what the crap

what is it? is it just me? what the crap? why is it that whenever a girl likes you, you don't like them, and whenever you like a girl, she doesn't like you? why can't it ever work out? i just don't understand. i don't get it. it seems like i always get burned, so to speak. i guess i am just frustrated. and hurt.

tired

i struggle. and i struggle some more. it seems like life is a continuing struggle. sometimes it isn't a huge struggle, but it is still present. and other times it seems as though it is a huge struggle. why. why does it always have to be a struggle. i am tired. i am tired from struggling. i need rest. i need to be restored. i need to be healed. but i don't know how. i try to be obedient and not worry about the reasons for things, but some days. it is all i can do to not cry. but i don't want to be ungrateful. i am blessed. and i am thankful. but i want so much more. i want it all. i so long for what i dream of. but dreams seem to be just that, dreams. and they don't seem to have anything to do with reality. i don't know. i am just tired. i want life to be an adventure, not a struggle. i want it to be hard and rewarding. i guess i just have to be patient and wait for the reward. i might not see in this life time. set my heart on things above. it is about the process, not the destination. well, here i am in the process.

untitled

and there i stood
confused
wondering why
wondering what
what am i created for
what am i here for
with no answers in sight
only inquiries

and there i stood
not understanding
why
why do i only dream
why are dreams not reality
with no answers
only questions

and there i stood
puzzled
puzzled why life is chaotic
puzzled why no answers
puzzled why no rest
with no solution
only conundrums

a louder voice

while i was sitting in church yesterday singing praise songs to my creator, i was thinking that i need a bigger, louder voice. i wanted to sing as loud as i could...i don't know why exactly...maybe that way god will know just how much i want to praise him. maybe he will sense this love that i can't hardly contain sometimes. i guess i was thinking that the louder i sang, the more praise god would receive. now reflecting on those thoughts, i feel kinda silly. i don't think that god cares how loud i sing. i don't think that he cares if i sing at all. all he cares about is the state of my heart. but i think that my heart was in the right place. realizing that i can't sing loud enough, i can't praise god enough, i can't love god enough, that worship is more than singing.

no stereo

i love not having a stereo in my car because then i can think and meditate and sing out loud and contemplate and write. here is something i wrote today in the car:
i do not belong to any circle
i do not fit into a cliche
i do not have a niche
i wander from person to person
from group to group
not belonging anywhere
but my souls yearns for something
what, i don't know
i search and struggle
looking for answers, only having questions
...

what have i lost

you know it's funny. i am trying to be who i once was. i once was a child with no inhibitions about who i was. i was secure in being me. but that was torn from me by people who thought that making me into who they thought i should be made them feel good about themselves. i had to be like them. but now i struggle against that person. i fight to be free. i long to be in the days of my youth. for multiple reasons. and one of those is to be who i was back then. a person who wasn't afraid to speak up. a person who didn't care what people thought. a person who wasn't constrained by others expectations. but now i have become someone else. who i don't know. i am trying to figure that out. all i know is that i was happy then. and that was taken from me. and i feel remorse. because i don't know if i can get back there. i don't know if i can find my way. i thought that the person i was, was weird and strange and different and i was told that that wasn't ok. but now i realize that i long to be that. weird. strange. different. like i used to be. i mourn for my lost self. all i am left with is memories. i don't like who i have become. but i struggle to become a better man.
i struggle to be a better man
but i don't know how
i struggle to be free
but i am chained down
i struggle
i struggle
i struggle
i struggle against myself
be who you once were
free, wild, passionate, different
content, enough

orange plums

sometimes i wonder what the point is in all of this. i mean when i look around me, all i see is pain. people hurting. and that hurts me. i don't know why, but i hurt when people hurt. you say, 'well jesus is the answer' and i say 'maybe not.' where does it say that we won't hurt. where does it say that we won't have pain. i think it is something that we have lied to ourselves about. somewhere along the way, people said 'if i follow jesus, i won't have any real problems, and the problems that i do have, he will make it all better' and i say that that is total CRAP. jesus hurt, so why would we expect that we wouldn't. when did pain become a bad thing. maybe that is the only way that he can make us into the person that he wants. maybe it takes pain to make aaron into the best version that he can be. look at the song refiner's fire. it talks about burning away all the impurities in our lives. well, fire is hot and it burns. and that is painful. i don't know. i feel like i have been lied to. the church has too long candy coded the christian walk. following jesus is not easy. it is hard. good. that is the way it is supposed to be. he doesn't want half-hearted people to be his disciples. he wants us to be sold out. totally committed. through the good times and the bad. i feel like i was sold the idea that all i had to do was to pray this prayer. all i had to do was to ask for forgiveness, and that was it. but no. come to find out that that was just the beginning. that was the easiest part. a memory: if i don't pray and worship and spend time with god when things are bad, what makes me think that i will when things are good. why would i? things are good now. we must learn to be obedient with a little, then he will give us much more. thank you lord that you don't make it easy to follow you. i don't want it to be easy. that way you know that i love you, because i follow you even though it is hard and it hurts and i feel lost and confused. i know you are still there. walking, journeying, struggling alongside me.

you tell me

i need to not worry. i need to understand that god is in control. and he has my best interest at heart, even though i may not agree at the time. but i only get to see pieces, he sees the whole picture, so his perspective is better. mine is confined.
i am confined to see
in bits and pieces
a little here
a little there
every piece just enough
to take me to the next piece
never satisfied
never home
always searching
wondering
journeying
walking
yearing for more than
pieces

some lyrics that inspire me
some lyrics that speak to me
some lyrics to meditate on
some lyrics i can't sing loud enough
some lyrics it seems like i wrote

'and i need a language as large as
this longing inside' dc

'you must sense this love my soul barley contains
no lack of desire in this desert to worship,
i keep singing skyward
it just never rains' ebd

'take my life
lay it down
at the feet
of you
whose crowned'dc

'light up, light up,
as if you have a choice
even if you cannot hear
my voice
i'll be right beside you dear'sp