a song

be lifted up
be lifted up
as we bow down
be lifted up

reoccurring themes

i am so restless, but restless doesn't even begin to describe it. it is so much more...anxious, eager, nervous, hungry, impatient, thirsty, excited...but i don't know what i am anxious over. what am i eager about? what am i hungry for? why am i impatient? it is like i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing. but what am i supposed to be doing? i don't know either. i am a loss for words. reading over the description that i just wrote doesn't seem to capture the whole picture. i can't put words to this. it is too ginormous for words. words are an inadequate medium. i don't know where i am going. i just seem to be walking in a direction that appears arbitrary, but the problem is that i don't believe in arbitrariness, look i made a new word. i don't believe in chance or luck or whatever label you want to put on it. i don't believe it exists. i believe that my Father is in everything. i don't believe that He doesn't control every aspect of my life. why would He pick and choose what aspects of my life He wants to influence? why wouldn't He be in them all? i guess i want to believe that He loves me that much that He wouldn't leave any part of my life to chance.
some beginning thoughts:
i walk along a path
arbitrarily deliberate
...

i journey on a trail
seemingly arbitrary,
but what is arbitrary?
...

ponderings of longings

well...it's been awhile since i have "blogged"...for a few weeks it was because i didn't really have access to a computer in order to type my thoughts, but for the last few weeks, i guess i was just so busy studying...yeah, you read that right, i was studying. i took that mcat again, that is for the second time. august 20th. that was the fateful day. weeks and weeks of preparation. i got a 33. i have to believe that. i have to. i don't have a choice, but do my thoughts really have an impact on how i did? i mean i can see how they could when i was studying for the test and then again on the test day, but now that it is done and gone, do my thoughts influence my score? i don't know...does it even matter. maybe i won't score well, but that is only because i am not supposed to go to medical school. maybe i am meant for a purpose that is yet to be revealed. they say God is mysterious, so who knows what He has up His sleeve. all i do know is that this longing inside of my depths, that groans and aches, will not go away. i feel like there is something that i am supposed to be doing right now, but i don't know what.

mas poetry

broken, i am tired
used, i am tired
aches my body
cries my spirit
screams my soul
ruptures my heart
waisted away
beaten this life has made me
rest, i need
restoration, healing

again with the bambling

i have this ache inside of me...it feels like i am not doing what i am suppose to be doing. or maybe that's just life. pain. lose. confusion. frustration. all a part of life i guess. i don't know what to do with myself. i am losing my mind. i can't control these thoughts. i can't escape these images. is this the way it is suppose to be? i studied a little today. i went through and did some verbal reasoning exercises. it actually went pretty well. that is until i got to my parents house and turned on the tv. it is still on. i haven't studied since i got here. it is so stinkin hot. i am afraid to write down some of these thougths and emotion and feelings for fear that they might be dark and depressing and i am trying to stay away from those kind. it's like a constant battle in my head. i don't have a single clear moment. no clarity. always clouded. always fighting. i am tired. i need rest. from this life. i cry too much. sometimes i don't even know why. i just cry. hurt, but i don't know why i hurt. i don't know the source.

i am a beautiful creation
even if i don't think so
i was made for a reason
for a purpose
waiting to be fulfilled
---------------------

there is so much i keep to myself
wanting to share
waiting to share
but no one comes to listen
all alone in a crowd
i am haunted by inadequacies

I don't understand

I don't understand. I left her three messages yesterday, but still no word. I don't understand. Why won't she call me back? I don't know what else to do. I saw her on Friday. I just don't get it, and that frustrates me.
tossed about in the waves
i cling to my ship for safety
but the waves are too big
i find no consolation aboard this vessel
these waves could break it into pieces
tossed
back and forth
back and forth
how i wish i could find my way home
i am lost at sea in a huge f'n storm

sri lankan potluck

tonight, there was a potluck at curt and debbie's house for andy, stephen, and adam because they are leaving for sri lanka on sunday morning for three weeks. so some people got together to pray over them and for fellowship. on the way there danny, mike, and i stopped at michael's to see giselle. i think i was kind of mean to her. i didn't mean to be, i was just being honest. i said that her dad didn't leave messages when he called because it didn't matter if he did, she still wouldn't call him back. and i was ragging on her about calling him. she said that it's been too long. like her window is closed. she can no longer talk to her dad. but i don't think she understands how much craig misses her and loves her and wants to talk to her, to see that she is alright, that she is alive even. i don't understand why she won't call anyone back. i mean i know, or at least i should know, that she isn't going to call me back, but still when i leave her a message, i half think that she will. and it hurts. i guess i should just expect her not to call, and if she ever does, then i will be pleasantly surprised. i don't know why it hurts, it just does. i don't know. i dream about her all the frickin time though, and it is starting to get annoying. i mean it isn't like the dreams before. now, it's just like she is in my dreams. i shouldn't say that i dream about her. i should say that she is in my dreams. she makes appearances. but i still remember when i first started dreaming about her. waking in the morning smelling her in my nose, seeing her with my eyes, feeling her skin, knowing that she was made for me and i was made for her. that is a weird feeling to wake up to. i mean it would be a great feeling to have in reality. but when it is only a dream, it is weird. frustrating. i don't know what to do. keep pursuing i guess. it was good to see chris and curt and debbie and andy. i love those palmers. more than they know. beautiful people.
my dreams are tainted with your image
your touch
your smell
i long to talk to you
to hold you
to love you
but you hide from me
from everyone
why?

don't you see you are a beautiful creation
loved and forgiven and free
the only chains that bind you
are the ones you create
step into the light
where you are supposed to be
where you were created to be
you are lovely

more poetry

with u, i want 2 walk
along these mysterious meadows
between this reality and my dreams
between that reality and your dreams
wherever they meet.
we can hold hands and talk
2 souls destined to b 1.
the image of happiness
torments my psyche.
pictures jumbled,
pieces missing,
where is the glue?

thoughts of no value

i hurt from a place inside
not sure really
an undescribable ache
not knowing from what
or for what
a sensation that haunts
that i am alone in a world full of people
that i am alone in a community full of friends
that i am alone in a universe full of God's spirit

time is wasted on dreams and hopes
because reality is all too real
soaked in disappointment
drenched with sorrow
unescapable violence
undescribable aching

randomassness

i called giselle tonight to see what she was up to after work. she said she had plans. i shot and i missed. at least i called her to see. i was so close to just going to her work again. spontaneous. but i did call her at work. oh well, i guess. i tried. what else can i do? i watched before sunrise and before sunset tonight. emily brought them over and shannon and megan came over too. mike and i watched them with the girls. i have to say that i really like the movies. they were so not what i was used to. which is a good thing. a very good thing. i mean they weren't sad or depressing. or anything in that matter, but they were so open-ended. which i think is a very good thing. at first when the movies ended, i was sort of mad because nobody told me what happened. it didn't end like american movies usually do. happily ever after. the whole story told. no room for the imagination. these movies were awesome. after it ended, and after those initial feelings of robbery left, i was actually really happy that they didn't give me their ending. i was able to give them my ending. there was some extremely good dialogue in the movies. some of it was like i was saying it. being cynical and skeptical. is there really someone that i have to be with. like only one person that i can be totally happy with. if i can even be totally happy. is that possible? i don't know. there was so much passion and honesty and i love it. it just gave me starting points and i went from there. like they would suggest a situation and i would think of that situation in my life. like what it looked like when i experienced it. what i felt. what i thought. how much i hurt. the pain. agony. bitterness. longing. like the dream part of the movie, when ethan hawke talks about dreaming about the girl, julie delpy...i could totally relate to that scenario. waking in the morning with the feeling that i knew who i was supposed to be with. waking to missing someone, like i had just been with them. i had just held them in my arms and felt their skin on my skin. i knew what her skin felt like, but i hadn't touched her in years. weird. bizarre. smelling her in my nostrils when i wake. sadness crashing over me because it wasn't real. julie delpy's character talks about just being. not really being sad or happy or bored, just taking up space. existing. getting by. eecking through. i love poetry. beauty. art. speech. accents. words. language. i love it all.

congratulations

i went to my friends college graduation this weekend. it is amazing to think that i have been out of college for a year already. insane. what have i accomplished in a year, you ask? well, not a hole heck of a lot. applied to and got rejected from med school. worked some more on building a house in the sierra mountains. been depressed and sad and alone. over the last year i have been as low as i have ever been. the loneliest. the saddest. the darkest. stranded in the desert.
i have been to the desert
roamed and journeyed the desert
made the desert my home
the misery was too real
the pain was too familiar
the darkness was too comforting
but yet i was uneasy
not a destination, just a fire
a tool used to refine me
to teach me
to make me struggle
to make me grow
to stretch me
please lord, bring me into the promised land
i am tired of the desert
not my timing
but your perfect alignment

WWD(writing while driving)

here i stand
upon this mountain
where i used to play
but i have forgotten
become too big
yeah,i've lost my way

Awesome words

I had to share this quote. It couldn't have been said better. Johnny Cash is amazing with words.

"There never was any dividing line between Johnny Cash the Christian and plain old Johnny Cash."

Well said Johnny. Well said indeed.

can you hear me?

can you hear me? do you see me? do you feel what i can't contain in this body of mine?
i love you lord
and i can't express it enough
i can't yell it enough
i can't scream it enough
i don't know how to express it enough
and yet
i can't feel your presence
i can't touch your face
i can't smell your breath
i can't hear your voice
where are you
standing beside me?
i want so bad to touch you
to know that you are real
to hear your voice
for you to hold me
to know that i am not alone

have you ever

have you ever felt alone in a crowd of people? i remember listening to the alan jackson song about 9/11 when he says, "in a crowded room, did you feel alone?" and not really knowing what he was talking about. not really having a concept. until last night that is. last night i had that feeling. i felt alone in a room full of people. and it wasn't like it was a room full of strangers or anything like that. it was full of people i know, but i felt like i was in a world of my own. like i was a ghost. like i was there in the room, but nobody noticed. it was a weird feeling. it felt like i was totally isolated from these people. i felt like i don't belong. i don't fit. i don't know. maybe it has no validity. maybe it has total validity. maybe i don't belong. i don't fit.

things that i thought would never come to pass

i saw giselle today. do you believe it? i don't. there she was all beautiful. i have to write this down now because after this i don't want to think about her anymore...for reasons that i have, anyway. it is friday, and i don't work on friday's. i am suppose to be studying, but i didn't want to study and they say that you should live life like an adventure, so i thought i would go and try to see giselle at work. she works at michael's in the frame department. anyway, so i left around 11 i think, and it took me about 40 minutes to get up there. and i went in the store to see if she was there. there wasn't any one in the frame department, so i asked a lady that worked there if giselle was working, and she said that she wouldn't be in until 4, so then i contemplated if i should just go home, or if i should go to the palmer's. i thought that i am in the neighborhood, so i should at least go say hi to the palmer's. so i went to their house and debbie was home, so i went in and had lunch with debbie, and then curt came home for lunch and i got to talk to curt. then i watched the french open, and then chris came home and he had lunch. he made me a second sandwich. and we watched the french open. nadal beat federer. then we watched dr. phil. this one lady lost 400 pounds. yeah, 400 pounds. then gina came over and we watched dancing with the stars. it's where celebrities pair up with a professional dancer and they do dances. it was pretty funny to watch. then after that i went back to michael's because it was about 5, so i thought that giselle should be in. by the way, it was so hard to go into that store. i couldn't believe that i was doing it. it was like it wasn't even me. it was like i was watching myself. like a movie almost. anyway, i went in, back to the frame department, but no one was there. so i almost left, but then i heard her voice, so i walked around a bit and found her in the one of the aisles. she looked amazing. she didn't recognize me, but that's ok, i guess. it's been a years since the last time i saw her. anyway, we talked for like an hour or so about whatever, anything and everything. it was so good to see her. she lives in castro valley with her mom, and she works at michael's. she still paints and does the artist thing. and then i came home and had dinner with ron over at sonoma chicken. which was pretty good. anyway, kristen and craig and the boys showed up, with another guy mike. anyways, i don't know why, but i mentioned it to ron, but not to kristen or craig. i don't know why i didn't say anything. i guess it just felt like it wasn't an appropriate time. i honestly don't know. it was weird. i feel like i should have told them. it was the a good opportunity. kristen and craig were both there. i don't know. i can't explain it. but i wanted to say that i went to see her and i saw her and i talked to her and now i don't want to think about her anymore. i just want to wait and see where it goes, if anywhere. even though as i sit here and type, she is all i can think about. when will i see her again? if i could it would be tomorrow. but i don't want all of this crap. i don't want to think about her. it's not good for me. be gone from my thoughts.
almost like my dreams
you were meant for me
almost like my dreams
my heart can hardly beat
almost like my dreams

here i stand
upon this mountaintop
naked to the world
i bare my sin
my dirty, ugly, filthy naked soul
i have been beaten
i have been laughed at
scoffed, scorned, humiliated
hurt, bruised, crushed
but i am not defeated
i am not dead
i have been restored
i have been redeemed
washed clean of my dirt and ugliness and filth
my sin forgiven
but here i stand naked
i stand with my soul bared
honest, real, true
so laugh, scoff, scorn
for i know who i am
my identity does not depend on you
my identity does not depend on me
my identity comes from he who created me
i am love
i am forgiven
i am his child

false advertising

people say that i wouldn't be here if i wasn't meant to be. i wouldn't be doing this if i wasn't meant to. i wouldn't have married this person if it wasn't what god wanted. but what about marriages that don't work? what about people who get divorced? what about people who hate their jobs? what about all the bad things that happen? god wants all those bad things to happen? what about those people that never get married? does god really want them to be alone? i don't think so. god said that it wasn't good for the man to be alone. well, some people are. what about that? so how can i believe that everything will work out? will it really work out for the best? or is that just something that we tell ourselves? are we lieing to ourselves? am i deceiving myself? what if i'm not suppose to be where i am? what if i made a wrong turn, thinking that god was leading, but i just got confused and now i am here, not anywhere near where i was suppose to end up...how could i be where i am suppose to be? does such a place even exist? i am meant to be...blah, blah, blah...i am not meant for anything. i am where i am, and that's that. don't read too much into it. there isn't anything there to read into. i think that we deceive ourselves into thinking that there is something to read into because that makes us feel secure. like we are where we are suppose to be. we aren't way off course or whatever. we lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel better about where we are. i mean is there even a thing as a soul mate? is someone else really meant for me? or do two people just do the best they can. i just find a girl that i get along with, am attracted to, have things in common with and then we just work at it. there isn't any thing special, we just decide to make it work. i wasn't meant for her and she wasn't meant for me, we just choose to love one another and there isn't any more to it than that. i should stop looking for the right person, because she doesn't exist. i just have to find a girl that i get along with, am attracted to, and share common interests and beliefs. that's all. or am i lieing to myself now?

OD or MD

which to choose? OD? or is it MD? does it even really matter? do you ever get tired or thinking? i do. sometimes i wish i could just sit in silence. silent from noise outside my head and inside my head. i want so badly to just be. i don't want to think about these things anymore. i am done. I am done with you! Be gone! Away from me!

what the crap

what is it? is it just me? what the crap? why is it that whenever a girl likes you, you don't like them, and whenever you like a girl, she doesn't like you? why can't it ever work out? i just don't understand. i don't get it. it seems like i always get burned, so to speak. i guess i am just frustrated. and hurt.

tired

i struggle. and i struggle some more. it seems like life is a continuing struggle. sometimes it isn't a huge struggle, but it is still present. and other times it seems as though it is a huge struggle. why. why does it always have to be a struggle. i am tired. i am tired from struggling. i need rest. i need to be restored. i need to be healed. but i don't know how. i try to be obedient and not worry about the reasons for things, but some days. it is all i can do to not cry. but i don't want to be ungrateful. i am blessed. and i am thankful. but i want so much more. i want it all. i so long for what i dream of. but dreams seem to be just that, dreams. and they don't seem to have anything to do with reality. i don't know. i am just tired. i want life to be an adventure, not a struggle. i want it to be hard and rewarding. i guess i just have to be patient and wait for the reward. i might not see in this life time. set my heart on things above. it is about the process, not the destination. well, here i am in the process.