college is a huge waiste of time. i have said it before and i will say it again. i have a college degree, but yet i can't get a job, so why did i waiste all that time sitting in classrooms?

something i read today

there is a crack, a crack in everything.
that's how the light gets in.
-leonard cohen

Inadequate words

i want to describe what my experience in ghana was like. to paint a picture of sorts, but words seem so inadequate. i can't seem to describe it. to share stories doesn't seem to work because they only work with the images that i have been given. even the healing that occured in my own soul cannot be captured with words. . .it so transcends words. d

Something from old

you and i collide
we meet where the pink hue meets the dark mass
where the orange globe floats on the wet blue liquid
where the grass bends to the mighty melodious song

What's taken me so long

i apologize for my lack of posts as of late. i have been busy lately cleaning out my old room. i am moving to rocklin, and my little sister is moving into my old room, so i am in the process of cleaning. who knew i had so much stuff? anyway, more to come soon.

I'm still in Ghana

so i have tried and tried and i have failed and failed. i can't get the pixs to upload to my blog. the connection keeps timing out, so i guess you will have to wait to see the pixs. oh well. but i can still share stories. so today is sunday and the matron of the hospital invited me to go to church with her. she goes to a pentacostal church, now mind you i have never been to a pentacostal church, but i had i images in mind. it was. . .good and fun and awkward and embarrassing. . .if you ever come to ghana and decide to go to church just know that any church you go to you will have to stand up in front of the congregation and introduce yourself, so just be ready, you have been warned. i had to introduce myself the first time i went to church in ghana, which is another story altogether, and i had to introduce myself this morning. this time wasn't so bad, there were only about thirty people there, but still anybody who knows me, knows that i do not do well in front of large groups of people, especially when they are complete strangers and we hardly speak the same language. anyways, i did as i was told and told them the basic info: name, where i am staying in ghana, where i am from, and what church i attend at home. the music and dancing part of the service was awesome to see. of course, i couldn't understand the words, but it was still an awesome sight and sound to behold. when the service was over, people were shaking my hands because i was new. and then this little girl, who couldn't have been more than two or three, came over and without saying a word grabbed my left pinky and just stood there beside me. it was the most peculiar thing. i looked at her and smiled and asked her name, but she didn't respond. either she didn't speak english, or she just wanted to hold my finger and not talk. she was the cutest kid i have ever seen, and i wanted to keep her for my own. even when i went to leave, she followed, tightly clenched to my little finger, but then someone came and took her, i assume her parent or sibling. i didn't have my camera, otherwise i would have surely taken pictures of her.
i got some roommates today. some CHOs, community health officers, came for the week to observe the nurse stations that nkwanta has set up in the villages to break the distance barrier between the villages and the hospital. so this week hopefully won't be so lonely. so that is my update for now.

This is my first time in Africa

I arrived at Kotoka International Airport at about 7 pm on Thursday evening. It took forever to go through the check in process. It wasn't even customs...i just walked through customs, but before you get to customs, you have to check in, and that took forever. My driver picked up outside and we headed for my home for the next two days. I booked a room at Crystal Hostel, but I was taken to somebody else's house because there wasn't room for me at the hostel. So we arrived, and I went to bed. It had been a long journey from San Francisco. The next day I went to town with a guy that I was staying with. We went to see the Supreme Court, and this memorial park for Ghana's first president after they gained independence. Accra, that's the name of the city, was CROWDED. I mean people everywhere. And the traffic was like I have never seen. It takes forever AND a day to get anywhere.

A Test

i was just testing to see if i could upload pictures to my blog. these are from our yosemite trip 2006. we went over father's day weekend. it was fan-flippin-tastic.

AFRICA

I am going to AFRICA!!!! Ghana to be exact. Wild ride this life. I am so excited and in a dream like state.

inspired by a stranger

i know we are strangers
meeting just this night
but i hope that more than physicality
would pass through this embrace
know that my heart breaks with yours
my tears are spilt with yours
my spirit is wounded alongside yours
find comfort in company

How arrogant of me to think that I can justify Christ's sacrifice!

faceless ghost

On my way to Rocklin yesterday to see my good friend Andy, I was struck by something, and I had to pull off the freeway to write it down. I share it with you now,

I am emotionally unstable.
I am not willing or even possibly able
To take this step you are asking me to take,
To bear this cross,
To break where you are asking me to break.
How can I help those
Love those
Forgive those
Who need it
Who require it
Who deserve it,
When i cannot
Love myself
Help myself
Or forgive myself
When I need it?

I am just trying to love this man that I am,
To make him the best that he can
Be,
Loving the most,
Hearing the most,
Helping the most,
Understanding the most,
Forgiving the most,
Healing the most,
All the while on this crazy journey
To bring glory and honor to the Heavenly host.
So when I am laid to rest,
Remember me only as a faceless ghost.

I hate being socially retarded/relationally inept.

wow. today was a really hard day. i almost lost it a couple of times. i suck........sometimes.

not finished yet

wasted space with,
dying dreams
that consist of,
worthless words

inspired on the streets of aging (still in progress)

this is my street
this is my block, my hood
that's my bubble gum
house that sits on this
avenue of busyness and chaos
sleeping on the sidewalk of sirens and traffic
in the middle of the ghetto
surrounded by portraits
painted by faceless street artists
canvases of buiding sides, fences, signs

that house wreaks of memories
so thick i can smell them in my nostrils even now, miles away
the lovely fragrance causes my eyes to tear
those walls of lies and laughter and family gatherings
the christmases, easters, birthdays, no reasons

i am freaking out because of uncertainty and lack of direction


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
if you want to change society, then you must tell an alternative story.
- ivan illich

don't take my lack of conversation as lack of interest.
it is quite the opposite,
i am so captivated by your existence,
painting your table with salt,
that words evade my mouth.
a myriad of thoughts dance in my space,
but you scare me into silence,
for i am fragile and easily broken.
those moments of silence are not awkward,
but cherished that you would choose to share them with me.

restlessness anyone?

i have this restlessness dwelling inside of me and i can't seem to fulfill it. i feel like i am not where i am supposed to be...of course, i don't know where i am supposed to be so maybe that's just how i feel all the time, no matter where i go. like right now i feel like i should be some where else, but maybe when i get there i will feel like i should be somewhere else. never finding peace. people have told me that the reason i feel this way is my own doing, but why would i do that to myself? i don't know what's going on. i feel like i am supposed to be doing something other than what i am doing presently. but i can't figure out what that something is. annoying? yes. frustrating? hell yes. i keep trying to leave this place, but it seems like every time i try, it doesn't work out. i just don't want to waste my life, but that is what it feels like i am doing, and i don't know what to do about it.

blah

i have no words for the way i feel right now...but i can tell you that it is not good. i am so sick of these emotions. excuse, i would like to trade these in for some new ones. i think that i have had these for quite long enough...if not too long. ok, how about a refund then? no refunds? well, then.....................

sideways, crossways, or downways

i don't know what i am doing,
i don't know where i am,
what part am i to perform in your play?
i can't tell if i am sideways, crossways, or downways.
but i am here to serve and love
whoever, wherever, whenever.
my spirit gushes restlessness,
my soul wrestles purpose,
running in the pursuit of you.

i can't tell you how much i crave intimacy
with my lord
i seek him as one does a lover,
but he hides from my advances
playing hard to get

A Franciscan Benediction

May God bless you with discomfort at:
Easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships-
So that you may live deep within your heart.

May God bless you with anger at:

Injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people,
So that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed:
For those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war,
So that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain into joy.

May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world; So that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

shouts fall (in progress)

i am beautiful.

did you hear that? i said,
i am beautiful.
your rejection has no bearing on me.
my lord, my savior whispers my worth
into my soul.
he reveals my identity:
beloved, child.
your shouts fall on a deaf heart.
you cannot break me.
you cannot ruin me.
you cannot destroy this beauty.

those things that lack

everything is hanging by a string, he is so close
to offering what he has held back.
but those words are risky, those words are
hazardous, saying those things that lack.
this situation is not familiar, not having been
in anything similar.
oh, to be real.
oh, to be honest.
what freedom comes with a dose of those two.
but insecurity is a daunting foe,
with whom he has an ongoing struggle.

i don't know who you are,
but i am searching for you.
the idea of you has been with me since before time
enjoying purply skies with shared moments of bliss
i can't see your face, but i know your touch, know your smile.
explanation is not available to my words.
------------------------------------------------
this string is so fragile
i am terrified that the slightest breathe might shatter it

Two Things

first, can you love yourself, but not like yourself at the same time?

second, a quote from donald miller that rocked my world today, "It is a very different thing to break a rule than it is to cheat on a lover."

gain through sacrifice

i read something today in the relevant leader, that is the little insert in the relevant media network box we get at church that explains what is in the box. anyways, i read an article about gaining through sacrifice, or gaining through giving up things. it talks about how we hang on to things because they are familiar and comfortable, but not necessarily the best for us. it said that maybe those things that we hold on to are actually holding us back. if only we would venture out and sacrifice those things, then we would see something better. we would gain something incredible if only we would give up those easy, familiar things that we cling to. so that reminded me of this quote that i love by thomas merton..."my lord god, i have no idea where i am going. i do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end, nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think that i am following your will does not mean that i am actually doing so. but i believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you." thomas merton

games

this is a poem i wrote awhile ago, but i like it, so i republished it.

we play hide and seek,
you and i.
you forever hiding,
and i,
forever seeking,
but you hide in spaces i cannot reach,
in worlds i do not exist,
in realities i cannot fathom.
but i cannot give up the search,
cannot give up hope,
that one day
i will find you.

no title

my spirit is worn,
to the point where i don't know
what i am doing
where i am going
who i am.
maybe the parts worn away were only
parts that needed to be removed.
rough spots on the exterior of my beauty.
so now, i must rely on god for
what to do,
where to go,
who to be.

no title

i am so fuckin broken that i cannot sleep,
the tears that roll down my cheek are too familiar,
screaming,
unattractive, unloveable, undesirable.

no title

the response i have is ineffable.
i am incapable of using this medium;
words, thoughts, prayers, songs
inadequate,
they cannot capture my answer entirely.
i want to offer something of worth,
but i do not possess such things.
all i can offer is me
broken, used, borrowed, and wounded.

my new friend sam

so i went shopping for groceries last night at safeway. i needed lunch meat, so i went over to that section, but they were out of the turkey i usually buy, so i didn't buy any, i thought i would just buy lunch today at work. so at lunch time, i went to subway because they have this daily special for 2.49, which is a pretty good deal, so i started out going there, but there wasn't any place to park, so then i decided that super taqueria is just down the street, so i thought i would go there. so i park and walk to the taqueria, and outside is, what i assume, a homeless man asking for some spare change. i have seen him before and bought him lunch before, so i said how about some food instead, and he was happy to take my offer. i asked what he wanted and he said whatever would be fine, but he did mention a beef burrito. i stood in line and ordered a chicken burrito, that was for me, and a beef burrito. and as i was standing there, i realized how little i was giving this man. i mean all i was giving him was a 3 dollar burrito, big frickin deal! i wanted to give him so much more. but honestly what do i have to offer? should i have given him all my money in my wallet when he asked for some spare change, should i have offered my apartment for him to shower, to sleep, should i have offered to bring him lunch again and hang out and talk...jesus said to give your cloak when they ask for your shirt, and to go three miles when they ask you to go one...so i assume jesus was getting at the point that we should give more than we are asked. so then i thought that i should sit and talk with this man while we ate our food, but then i thought, why would this man want to talk to some punk kid who is trying to feel good about himself, because he did what jesus asked of him. anyway, i went outside and gave the man his food, and he was overly thankful. i asked him his name, and he said sam. i introduced myself and he said nice to meet you mr. aaron. thats funny....mr. aaron. i can't tell you how much inner turmoil this kind of stuff causes me. on my way back to work, i started to cry...but maybe that's just cause i'm a bit of a cryer. i just want to love you sam. i don't know how to do that.

what i meant to say was that
i miss you
what i meat to say was that
i think you're wonderful
but i just guard my heart
cause i'm scared to let you in
you intimidate me
with your phenomenality
what i meant to say is not what i said
what i meant to say never left my lips

a movie line revised

sometimes i feel so f-in sorry for myself, that i find it difficult to breathe

do you ever become so overwhelmed by God's love, that you weep? i do.

still thinking out loud

is it selfish of me to want a partner to join me on this road? i mean sometimes i feel like i just need to leave and go somewhere to love people and to serve god. i feel like i am being selfish because i want to get married and because i want to become a doctor. those things take time. i mean a lot of time, and i could be spending that time somewhere else, loving someone, serving god. i don't know. all i know that is that i don't want to miss the train because i was waiting for something or someone. and is that wrong to want to get married first and then do all of the things that i want to do? i mean i want my wife to share in all of those experiences because how much more rich and fulfilling would those experiences be with her there. i guess it comes down to the fact that i am worried that i am waisting my life right now because i am not doing much. i feel like i could be doing so much more. i have so much more potential that i am not walking toward. this may sound strange, because it is strange to say, but i don't think that i ever want to be satisfied, because then i might not want anymore, i might not want to strive to be better, i might become complacent...........

thinking out loud

bare with me as i think out loud...it may not come out exactly right, but i will use my words as best as i can...here we go: do you ever notice that anything that you want to do that is good is hard? i mean like i want to be a doctor, i can't really tell you why, i just do. it's just what is in me to do. i just feel like that is what i was created to do(at least, i feel this way now, things may change, we'll see). but that is a frickin hard thing to do. i mean i had to go to college, and now i have to appy to med school, scratch that, i have to apply and get in, then i have to go through med school and graduate, only to spend years in a residency. all that so i can be a doctor. why couldn't i have been meant to be a musician, or a skateboarder, or a lottery winner? along those lines, i want to go to other countries and practice medicine. i want to bring medicine and food and clean water to the poorest of the poor, which is a difficult thing to do initofitself. so i want to be a missionary doctor, of sorts, i guess you could say. but i look down that road and see difficulty, struggle, failure, but that is the road that is before me, so i must walk, right? i don't know. i mean i'm aiming to change the world here, but who knows how far i will get, if i will get anywhere. and i would like to have a partner in all of this, which is another ginormously difficult task. to find someone that is all the things that i want, and for me to be all the things that she wants, and for us to be those things at the same time, and for us to meet at that time, what are the odds? it seems like another daunting task. but i don't know if i can do what i want to do without her. in fact, i would dare to be so bold as to say that i won't do all of the things or be all of the things without her. so there it is all these ideas/desires that are intertwined/intermingled/woven together that occupy my intellect far too often.

it seems silly, sometimes, these romanticized ideas
they play like a movie in the black space that occupies my process
do i romanticize them, or has the world been selling lies
i would dare to say the latter is the fact
in no manner am i saying it's fluid,
exhausting, more appropriate
so i push on to push for something more
along the way maybe we'll collide

why i don't have a radio

life's like a lifeboat,
trying to prove our worth,
convincing others not to sacrifice us,
just so they can find some earth,
if all there is is this world it doesn't make any sense,
all this shit is irrelevant,
i tell you there's more,
i can't tell you how i know,
it's just built into my bones, my hair, and my eyes
i can feel it more than i can describe
so don't settle for what they're selling
it's all a bunch of lies
it's all a bunch of lies

one of my favorites

i'm going crazy chasing time,
when there's too much on my mind,
i just slow and give it rest,
in the arms of the divine.
-jeremy boldt

no title

you broke me,
and nothing can mend those memories,
forever will i carry those scars,
for never will i be the same, and
never will i be the way i was, free and beautiful,
i cannot put me back together
the pieces are too badly damaged
for eternity you will never grasp the disfigurement you caused

---------------------------------------------------------

i want to be the one who fills others
name me with a label of negative impression if you will
that won't hider my mission of
loving people

no title

i am so fuckin broken that it hurts to breathe
the cracks in me run too deep
the sap, that is my soul, is emanating out
bleeding out through crevices, that
penetrate to my core
allowing my vitality to slip away, slowly
walking around with a gaping wound
holding my insides on the outside
bleeding all over myself
people move out of the way
as to avoid contact with such hurt

the weight of this life, wonderfilled and disconnected, is leaden.
i swear, sometimes, in the lonely dark, it almost crushes me.

i want to be better. . .but what is better? what does that look like? better than what. . .what i was before? growth is an interesting process. i guess you don't know you've changed, until it's too late.

and if i weep, let it be as a man who is longing for his home.
-rich mullins

last night at the gathering, a sunday night 'service' at a church in rocklin, i was thinking while the music was happening that any response i have to my lord is so inadequate. i mean, honestly, can my terrible singing really be praise? my words, my thoughts, my prayers, my songs are. . .are nothing compared to what he did for me. i am so overwhelmed sometimes by the love i am given that i cry. . .because i don't understand it. i am so unworthy, and yet he calls me his own child. i know it's not much, but i give it to you.

A POTENTIAL LIST

A POTENTIAL LIST OF THE MEDICAL SCHOOLS I MIGHT APPLY TO:
UCLA
UCD
UCSD
UCI
USC
U COLORADO
U HAWAII
LOYOLA CHICAGO
BOSTON
CREIGHTON
ALBANY
NYU
OREGON H&S
U WASHINGTON

i stare at this abyss that is my blog and it beckons me to write something, communicate with this space. but what is the point, what is the purpose of this process? why do i blog? why do i do any of the things that i do? i don't think that things are supposed to be analyzed as much as i analyze them, but then why do i? it seems like i over think everything, why? it's f-in annoying. i get tired of hearing myself think. sometimes i just want my mind to stop. be silent in noise and thought. but it's no use. my mind is constantly going over things. i woke up the other night at like 330 in the morning, now it may be due to the fact that i was sleeping in a chair, but it may also be due to the fact that my mind had thoughts that it needed processed. i know that sounds weird, but it was like my mind couldn't wait any longer, it had to get these thoughts out. and so i sat in the chair in the dark thinking for awhile. so back to my perculiarity of over analyzing everything. why? stop it and just enjoy things for a change without thinking about every minute detail.

this book searching for god knows what by donald miller is an excellent book. how have formulas and lists and step by step processes affected our perception of the gospel? can you separate the truth from the emotion, the meaning from the feeling? are you missing something when you just look at the facts, what you are suppose to do, instead of treating it all like a living breathing thing, that changes?

an excerpt

"the truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. i have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us to not rely on easy answers, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love.
personally, i was miserable before i understood these ideas, but now i am so happy i laugh all the time, even in my sleep."
-donald miller

i need to believe in myself more

i don't know where to start. . .or end. i am just having a hard time right now. . .repetition in life can be annoying and taxing on one's spirit. my spirit is tired from stepping in the wrong directions, believing they were the path. i lack freshness. my spirit is spent on misperceived conceptions of reality. it will be nice one day to quit the games.

i guess it's nice to know that i'm not alone. . ."if one wishes to eliminate uncertainty, tension, confusion, and disorder from one's life, there is no point in getting mixed up with either yahweh or with jesus of nazareth" andrew greeley

i have now come to some conclusions. . .1, dreams don't mean shit; 2, i'm pretty sure i am suppose to change the world; 3, i don't know how to accomplish #2; to be continued. . .

i don't know how to describe it. . . can't put into words. . . but it never stops

nyc

i am so excited. i am going to new york to visit my friend danny. i have never been to new york, and so i am ecstatic to be going. it is going to be cold? yes, but that is alright, because the three of us guys in ny is going to be some good times!

i think there may be something seriously wrong with me?

my soul longs for rest. . . i do sleep at night, but never wake up in the morning feeling rested. . . always unsettled

i've read and heard it said that you are suppose to marry the one that you can't live without, not the person you think you can live with. . .but my question is, what if you person you can't live without can live without you?

do you ever find yourself wishing you were some one else. . .i'm pretty sure i was supposed to be johnny cash or bono or mother teresa or bob marley or. . . some one else. . .

i see myself, in the present, as a stranger treking around in a broken world, mostly just taking up breathing room. i see myself to be, or i want to be a person who is at peace with themselves...i guess that would basically be it...i probably could go into more detail, but that is what it boils down to.

how do i reconcile who i want to be with who i am...because i am not who i want to be?

it seems like no days are my days...it seems like everyday i say to myself that this just isn't my day...what the fuzz?

sthguoht emos

so i am involved in this project called 'have2give1', and we were discussing what it looks like to follow jesus, taking his words and living them out. what does it mean to follow the 'jesus way.' one thing we came up with is contentment. now, one may assume that it means to be content with what one has..that is possessions, like your car or house or clothes...but i would take it a step further and say that it is contentment with myself. now bare with me, but if i am content with myself then that gives me freedom. that frees me from the snares of this world. when i see an advertisement, i take it as, "buy this and you will be complete, you will be enough", but if i am content with myself then i don't buy into that logic and that frees me from the rules of this world. that allows me to love myself and have a proper view of myself...because without a proper view of oneself, i think that one cannot have a proper view of god, and if your view of god is skewed, then i think that then your relationship will be off, aswell. the things that the world values, or uses as it scale to measure value does not apply to me. i am free. my possessions and income have no bearing on my value or identity. being content with who god made me, flaws and all. i am beautiful and valuable because i am a child of the god of the universe, which is the same king that stepped down from his thrown in order to rescue me...to save me...to purchase me. so i think that this step is key in following jesus because as i stated before, if you aren't content with yourself, then why would you be content with god? my view of god is distorted by my view of myself. think better about myself and my relationship with christ will improve. i am frustrated with you lord, is that because i am frustrated with myself?

and now for some prose:
i cannot sing a hymn,
or write a verse.
i cannot paint a portrait,
or sculpt a masterpiece.
i cannot compose a symphony,
or play an instrument.
but i am beautiful.
but i am beautiful.
and my father loves me.

today is just not my day

i want to love myself
i want to accept who i am
who i was made to be
but i see so many flaws
wanting in so many areas
mistakes in craftmanship, sometimes i think
alas, i was made with these lacking for a reason
love yourself, for who am i to question god's design?

quote of my life

"my lord god, i have no idea where i am going. i do not see the road ahead of me. i cannot know for certain where it will end, nor do i really know myself, and the fact that i think that i am following your will does not mean that i am actually doing so. but i believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you." thomas merton

some inspiring words from bono

"and though it aches,
and your heart it breaks,
walk on..."

call it what you will

you can call me crazy if you like, i don't care, but i checked my mcat scores again today just to make sure that it wasn't a dream the first time, because it honestly feels that way. i don't feel like it is real. but anyway, the scores were the same as the first time i checked...33Q. WOW! thank you Father for loving me...i am so undeserving.

talk about a shock

wow, i checked to see if my mcat scores came in today... i just had a feeling that i should check... and to my surprise, there they were staring at me in the face from the computer screen. i didn't believe what i saw because it was too good to be true. plus, throughout this whole process, i told myself that i was going to get a 33, even after the test was over i kept telling myself that i got a 33, an 11 on each of the three sections, but i honestly felt terrible about the test. i felt like i did worse then the first time. on test day, things just didn't go well. the guy next to me was a huge distraction, reading out loud and all, and the desks weren't the best. but after i turned it in, i told myself that i got a 33. so when i logged in to my account this afternoon and saw that i got a 33, an 11 on each of the three sections, i was blown away to say the least. it was so surreal...it still feels like it isn't real. i am amazed. WOW!

a simple thought

his love is unrelenting
it never quits
all other saviors are tragically blemished
tainted with inadequacies
but not YHWH
he is constant
loving now, loving always
his love never ends
it is vast enough to cover my shame
my Protector
my Rescuer

blah

i feel so unmotivated uninspired

a work in progress

i'm tired from these battles that rage in my head
the storm never clears
constant motion, never calm
the lighting and thunder constantly pouring out their rage
raging so loud thoughts cannot surface
struggle to breathe
rest evades me
cannot find peace

unbreakable?

have you ever seen the movie unbreakable? it is just that i constantly feel like i don't fit...i am so restless and never at peace within myself. in that movie bruce willis' character seems to have the same kind of life, that is until he figures out what he is supposed to be doing. his life is a mess until he starts doing what he was meant to do, and then everything just flows...life works. i feel like maybe my life is a mess because i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing...but what exactly is that? what am i meant to do? and if i figure that out and start doing it will i finally be at peace with myself...will life finally work...no more inner battles...just peace....how nice it would be to have peace within my soul

history repeats itself again

ok, what the crack is going on? this is extremely bizarre...i had another dream about giselle last night. that is two in three nights. weird. i don't get dreams...and maybe they aren't to be gotten. maybe they are what they are....dreams. it is sort of frustrating though, because whenever i dream about giselle, they are so vivid and real...i can still remember what she was wearing, army skirt with a black top, and i can see her face so clearly when i wake. usually dreams come and go, sometimes i remember sometimes not. i wake in the morning and i try so hard to remember what i dreamt about, but with these, i try so hard to forget what i dreamt about. i am so confused and tired and frustrated and i don't know what to make of this mess.

history repeats itself

last night i had the weirdest dream, ok maybe not the weirdest, but definitely a weird one. it was another one about giselle, and this time it was about her, she just wasn't in it, but she was the focus, and we were back to our old routine....being soulmates and all that blues. again so vivid and real and crazy. i was sitting on the top of this ladder looking thing. she climbed up it and sat on my lap, chest to chest, and we just held each other. crazy stuff.

sitting, wishing, thinking

as i sit here in the basement of our kirkwood house, or should i say the project that never ends, i can't help but think about what the heck i am doing with myself? how am i spending my time? i have been out of college for over a year, but what have i done in that year? i have worked on this house for most of it, studied for and took the mcats for the second time, and worked at an ice cream factory....nothing too exciting. i thought there was more to life? is this it, because if it is, i want my money back. i didn't sign up for this mess. hmmm, yes....excuse me sir, but can i have a refund?

i fear that i have limited myself. i gave people permission to enter my head and now i don't know if that was the correct thing to do. i am conflicted. i want to share with people about what is going on, but then again i don't want to censor myself. last night i was having some thoughts, which i wanted to write down, but i don't think that it would be appropriate to share with an audience that is out there. yes, some of these thoughts involve these individuals, but i am more concerned about the feedback i will receive for my openness. maybe it doesn't matter, maybe nobody really reads my word vomit anyway. well, for now these thoughts will remain in my head.

Honestly, what is the friggin point?

Madness

i want to be mad
mad to love
mad to live
mad to desire
mad to find peace
mad to forgive
mad to listen
mad to learn
mad to imagine
mad to create

have heart, my dear

i don't even know what to write. i am so...so...numb, i guess is a good word. ok, maybe not good, but appropriate. i am so numb. numb to life. the days all run together. routine. i am, that's right, you guessed it, frustrated. i am friggin frustrated. but i can't give up the pursuit. i can't stop walking. baby steps. baby steps. keep moving. it is a journey. tell that to yourself. but what is the point? i don't get it. is there anything to get? maybe this is as good as it gets. words are inadequate to explain.....

a song

be lifted up
be lifted up
as we bow down
be lifted up

reoccurring themes

i am so restless, but restless doesn't even begin to describe it. it is so much more...anxious, eager, nervous, hungry, impatient, thirsty, excited...but i don't know what i am anxious over. what am i eager about? what am i hungry for? why am i impatient? it is like i am not doing what i am supposed to be doing. but what am i supposed to be doing? i don't know either. i am a loss for words. reading over the description that i just wrote doesn't seem to capture the whole picture. i can't put words to this. it is too ginormous for words. words are an inadequate medium. i don't know where i am going. i just seem to be walking in a direction that appears arbitrary, but the problem is that i don't believe in arbitrariness, look i made a new word. i don't believe in chance or luck or whatever label you want to put on it. i don't believe it exists. i believe that my Father is in everything. i don't believe that He doesn't control every aspect of my life. why would He pick and choose what aspects of my life He wants to influence? why wouldn't He be in them all? i guess i want to believe that He loves me that much that He wouldn't leave any part of my life to chance.
some beginning thoughts:
i walk along a path
arbitrarily deliberate
...

i journey on a trail
seemingly arbitrary,
but what is arbitrary?
...

ponderings of longings

well...it's been awhile since i have "blogged"...for a few weeks it was because i didn't really have access to a computer in order to type my thoughts, but for the last few weeks, i guess i was just so busy studying...yeah, you read that right, i was studying. i took that mcat again, that is for the second time. august 20th. that was the fateful day. weeks and weeks of preparation. i got a 33. i have to believe that. i have to. i don't have a choice, but do my thoughts really have an impact on how i did? i mean i can see how they could when i was studying for the test and then again on the test day, but now that it is done and gone, do my thoughts influence my score? i don't know...does it even matter. maybe i won't score well, but that is only because i am not supposed to go to medical school. maybe i am meant for a purpose that is yet to be revealed. they say God is mysterious, so who knows what He has up His sleeve. all i do know is that this longing inside of my depths, that groans and aches, will not go away. i feel like there is something that i am supposed to be doing right now, but i don't know what.

mas poetry

broken, i am tired
used, i am tired
aches my body
cries my spirit
screams my soul
ruptures my heart
waisted away
beaten this life has made me
rest, i need
restoration, healing

again with the bambling

i have this ache inside of me...it feels like i am not doing what i am suppose to be doing. or maybe that's just life. pain. lose. confusion. frustration. all a part of life i guess. i don't know what to do with myself. i am losing my mind. i can't control these thoughts. i can't escape these images. is this the way it is suppose to be? i studied a little today. i went through and did some verbal reasoning exercises. it actually went pretty well. that is until i got to my parents house and turned on the tv. it is still on. i haven't studied since i got here. it is so stinkin hot. i am afraid to write down some of these thougths and emotion and feelings for fear that they might be dark and depressing and i am trying to stay away from those kind. it's like a constant battle in my head. i don't have a single clear moment. no clarity. always clouded. always fighting. i am tired. i need rest. from this life. i cry too much. sometimes i don't even know why. i just cry. hurt, but i don't know why i hurt. i don't know the source.

i am a beautiful creation
even if i don't think so
i was made for a reason
for a purpose
waiting to be fulfilled
---------------------

there is so much i keep to myself
wanting to share
waiting to share
but no one comes to listen
all alone in a crowd
i am haunted by inadequacies

I don't understand

I don't understand. I left her three messages yesterday, but still no word. I don't understand. Why won't she call me back? I don't know what else to do. I saw her on Friday. I just don't get it, and that frustrates me.
tossed about in the waves
i cling to my ship for safety
but the waves are too big
i find no consolation aboard this vessel
these waves could break it into pieces
tossed
back and forth
back and forth
how i wish i could find my way home
i am lost at sea in a huge f'n storm

sri lankan potluck

tonight, there was a potluck at curt and debbie's house for andy, stephen, and adam because they are leaving for sri lanka on sunday morning for three weeks. so some people got together to pray over them and for fellowship. on the way there danny, mike, and i stopped at michael's to see giselle. i think i was kind of mean to her. i didn't mean to be, i was just being honest. i said that her dad didn't leave messages when he called because it didn't matter if he did, she still wouldn't call him back. and i was ragging on her about calling him. she said that it's been too long. like her window is closed. she can no longer talk to her dad. but i don't think she understands how much craig misses her and loves her and wants to talk to her, to see that she is alright, that she is alive even. i don't understand why she won't call anyone back. i mean i know, or at least i should know, that she isn't going to call me back, but still when i leave her a message, i half think that she will. and it hurts. i guess i should just expect her not to call, and if she ever does, then i will be pleasantly surprised. i don't know why it hurts, it just does. i don't know. i dream about her all the frickin time though, and it is starting to get annoying. i mean it isn't like the dreams before. now, it's just like she is in my dreams. i shouldn't say that i dream about her. i should say that she is in my dreams. she makes appearances. but i still remember when i first started dreaming about her. waking in the morning smelling her in my nose, seeing her with my eyes, feeling her skin, knowing that she was made for me and i was made for her. that is a weird feeling to wake up to. i mean it would be a great feeling to have in reality. but when it is only a dream, it is weird. frustrating. i don't know what to do. keep pursuing i guess. it was good to see chris and curt and debbie and andy. i love those palmers. more than they know. beautiful people.
my dreams are tainted with your image
your touch
your smell
i long to talk to you
to hold you
to love you
but you hide from me
from everyone
why?

don't you see you are a beautiful creation
loved and forgiven and free
the only chains that bind you
are the ones you create
step into the light
where you are supposed to be
where you were created to be
you are lovely

more poetry

with u, i want 2 walk
along these mysterious meadows
between this reality and my dreams
between that reality and your dreams
wherever they meet.
we can hold hands and talk
2 souls destined to b 1.
the image of happiness
torments my psyche.
pictures jumbled,
pieces missing,
where is the glue?

thoughts of no value

i hurt from a place inside
not sure really
an undescribable ache
not knowing from what
or for what
a sensation that haunts
that i am alone in a world full of people
that i am alone in a community full of friends
that i am alone in a universe full of God's spirit

time is wasted on dreams and hopes
because reality is all too real
soaked in disappointment
drenched with sorrow
unescapable violence
undescribable aching

randomassness

i called giselle tonight to see what she was up to after work. she said she had plans. i shot and i missed. at least i called her to see. i was so close to just going to her work again. spontaneous. but i did call her at work. oh well, i guess. i tried. what else can i do? i watched before sunrise and before sunset tonight. emily brought them over and shannon and megan came over too. mike and i watched them with the girls. i have to say that i really like the movies. they were so not what i was used to. which is a good thing. a very good thing. i mean they weren't sad or depressing. or anything in that matter, but they were so open-ended. which i think is a very good thing. at first when the movies ended, i was sort of mad because nobody told me what happened. it didn't end like american movies usually do. happily ever after. the whole story told. no room for the imagination. these movies were awesome. after it ended, and after those initial feelings of robbery left, i was actually really happy that they didn't give me their ending. i was able to give them my ending. there was some extremely good dialogue in the movies. some of it was like i was saying it. being cynical and skeptical. is there really someone that i have to be with. like only one person that i can be totally happy with. if i can even be totally happy. is that possible? i don't know. there was so much passion and honesty and i love it. it just gave me starting points and i went from there. like they would suggest a situation and i would think of that situation in my life. like what it looked like when i experienced it. what i felt. what i thought. how much i hurt. the pain. agony. bitterness. longing. like the dream part of the movie, when ethan hawke talks about dreaming about the girl, julie delpy...i could totally relate to that scenario. waking in the morning with the feeling that i knew who i was supposed to be with. waking to missing someone, like i had just been with them. i had just held them in my arms and felt their skin on my skin. i knew what her skin felt like, but i hadn't touched her in years. weird. bizarre. smelling her in my nostrils when i wake. sadness crashing over me because it wasn't real. julie delpy's character talks about just being. not really being sad or happy or bored, just taking up space. existing. getting by. eecking through. i love poetry. beauty. art. speech. accents. words. language. i love it all.

congratulations

i went to my friends college graduation this weekend. it is amazing to think that i have been out of college for a year already. insane. what have i accomplished in a year, you ask? well, not a hole heck of a lot. applied to and got rejected from med school. worked some more on building a house in the sierra mountains. been depressed and sad and alone. over the last year i have been as low as i have ever been. the loneliest. the saddest. the darkest. stranded in the desert.
i have been to the desert
roamed and journeyed the desert
made the desert my home
the misery was too real
the pain was too familiar
the darkness was too comforting
but yet i was uneasy
not a destination, just a fire
a tool used to refine me
to teach me
to make me struggle
to make me grow
to stretch me
please lord, bring me into the promised land
i am tired of the desert
not my timing
but your perfect alignment

WWD(writing while driving)

here i stand
upon this mountain
where i used to play
but i have forgotten
become too big
yeah,i've lost my way

Awesome words

I had to share this quote. It couldn't have been said better. Johnny Cash is amazing with words.

"There never was any dividing line between Johnny Cash the Christian and plain old Johnny Cash."

Well said Johnny. Well said indeed.

can you hear me?

can you hear me? do you see me? do you feel what i can't contain in this body of mine?
i love you lord
and i can't express it enough
i can't yell it enough
i can't scream it enough
i don't know how to express it enough
and yet
i can't feel your presence
i can't touch your face
i can't smell your breath
i can't hear your voice
where are you
standing beside me?
i want so bad to touch you
to know that you are real
to hear your voice
for you to hold me
to know that i am not alone

have you ever

have you ever felt alone in a crowd of people? i remember listening to the alan jackson song about 9/11 when he says, "in a crowded room, did you feel alone?" and not really knowing what he was talking about. not really having a concept. until last night that is. last night i had that feeling. i felt alone in a room full of people. and it wasn't like it was a room full of strangers or anything like that. it was full of people i know, but i felt like i was in a world of my own. like i was a ghost. like i was there in the room, but nobody noticed. it was a weird feeling. it felt like i was totally isolated from these people. i felt like i don't belong. i don't fit. i don't know. maybe it has no validity. maybe it has total validity. maybe i don't belong. i don't fit.

things that i thought would never come to pass

i saw giselle today. do you believe it? i don't. there she was all beautiful. i have to write this down now because after this i don't want to think about her anymore...for reasons that i have, anyway. it is friday, and i don't work on friday's. i am suppose to be studying, but i didn't want to study and they say that you should live life like an adventure, so i thought i would go and try to see giselle at work. she works at michael's in the frame department. anyway, so i left around 11 i think, and it took me about 40 minutes to get up there. and i went in the store to see if she was there. there wasn't any one in the frame department, so i asked a lady that worked there if giselle was working, and she said that she wouldn't be in until 4, so then i contemplated if i should just go home, or if i should go to the palmer's. i thought that i am in the neighborhood, so i should at least go say hi to the palmer's. so i went to their house and debbie was home, so i went in and had lunch with debbie, and then curt came home for lunch and i got to talk to curt. then i watched the french open, and then chris came home and he had lunch. he made me a second sandwich. and we watched the french open. nadal beat federer. then we watched dr. phil. this one lady lost 400 pounds. yeah, 400 pounds. then gina came over and we watched dancing with the stars. it's where celebrities pair up with a professional dancer and they do dances. it was pretty funny to watch. then after that i went back to michael's because it was about 5, so i thought that giselle should be in. by the way, it was so hard to go into that store. i couldn't believe that i was doing it. it was like it wasn't even me. it was like i was watching myself. like a movie almost. anyway, i went in, back to the frame department, but no one was there. so i almost left, but then i heard her voice, so i walked around a bit and found her in the one of the aisles. she looked amazing. she didn't recognize me, but that's ok, i guess. it's been a years since the last time i saw her. anyway, we talked for like an hour or so about whatever, anything and everything. it was so good to see her. she lives in castro valley with her mom, and she works at michael's. she still paints and does the artist thing. and then i came home and had dinner with ron over at sonoma chicken. which was pretty good. anyway, kristen and craig and the boys showed up, with another guy mike. anyways, i don't know why, but i mentioned it to ron, but not to kristen or craig. i don't know why i didn't say anything. i guess it just felt like it wasn't an appropriate time. i honestly don't know. it was weird. i feel like i should have told them. it was the a good opportunity. kristen and craig were both there. i don't know. i can't explain it. but i wanted to say that i went to see her and i saw her and i talked to her and now i don't want to think about her anymore. i just want to wait and see where it goes, if anywhere. even though as i sit here and type, she is all i can think about. when will i see her again? if i could it would be tomorrow. but i don't want all of this crap. i don't want to think about her. it's not good for me. be gone from my thoughts.
almost like my dreams
you were meant for me
almost like my dreams
my heart can hardly beat
almost like my dreams

here i stand
upon this mountaintop
naked to the world
i bare my sin
my dirty, ugly, filthy naked soul
i have been beaten
i have been laughed at
scoffed, scorned, humiliated
hurt, bruised, crushed
but i am not defeated
i am not dead
i have been restored
i have been redeemed
washed clean of my dirt and ugliness and filth
my sin forgiven
but here i stand naked
i stand with my soul bared
honest, real, true
so laugh, scoff, scorn
for i know who i am
my identity does not depend on you
my identity does not depend on me
my identity comes from he who created me
i am love
i am forgiven
i am his child

false advertising

people say that i wouldn't be here if i wasn't meant to be. i wouldn't be doing this if i wasn't meant to. i wouldn't have married this person if it wasn't what god wanted. but what about marriages that don't work? what about people who get divorced? what about people who hate their jobs? what about all the bad things that happen? god wants all those bad things to happen? what about those people that never get married? does god really want them to be alone? i don't think so. god said that it wasn't good for the man to be alone. well, some people are. what about that? so how can i believe that everything will work out? will it really work out for the best? or is that just something that we tell ourselves? are we lieing to ourselves? am i deceiving myself? what if i'm not suppose to be where i am? what if i made a wrong turn, thinking that god was leading, but i just got confused and now i am here, not anywhere near where i was suppose to end up...how could i be where i am suppose to be? does such a place even exist? i am meant to be...blah, blah, blah...i am not meant for anything. i am where i am, and that's that. don't read too much into it. there isn't anything there to read into. i think that we deceive ourselves into thinking that there is something to read into because that makes us feel secure. like we are where we are suppose to be. we aren't way off course or whatever. we lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel better about where we are. i mean is there even a thing as a soul mate? is someone else really meant for me? or do two people just do the best they can. i just find a girl that i get along with, am attracted to, have things in common with and then we just work at it. there isn't any thing special, we just decide to make it work. i wasn't meant for her and she wasn't meant for me, we just choose to love one another and there isn't any more to it than that. i should stop looking for the right person, because she doesn't exist. i just have to find a girl that i get along with, am attracted to, and share common interests and beliefs. that's all. or am i lieing to myself now?

OD or MD

which to choose? OD? or is it MD? does it even really matter? do you ever get tired or thinking? i do. sometimes i wish i could just sit in silence. silent from noise outside my head and inside my head. i want so badly to just be. i don't want to think about these things anymore. i am done. I am done with you! Be gone! Away from me!

what the crap

what is it? is it just me? what the crap? why is it that whenever a girl likes you, you don't like them, and whenever you like a girl, she doesn't like you? why can't it ever work out? i just don't understand. i don't get it. it seems like i always get burned, so to speak. i guess i am just frustrated. and hurt.